Just some reflections.

Sigh.

Just spent a totally fun afternoon at Li-en's place playing Shadows of Camelot again. But still, I must REALLY suck at this kinda game. Cos despite this being my fourth or fifth time playing, and despite playing with almost the same lot of people as the last time all over again, some STILL thought that innocent ole me was the traitor. Ha-ha. I just think differently from you guys (ie, not so cunning...), OKIE? Heh. Plus, being King Arthur for the 4th time just doesn't give me room for creativity, yea? Haha..


See, that was innocent ole me... How could anyone suspect ME of being the traitor? Hehe.

Still.... it was really enjoyable, just gathering in a group and being able to just relax, throw away our stress and worries for one afternoon.. with the added fun of initiating Rimtimtim into the Knighthood of the Round Table.

I was just ruminating on my walk home.. just how comfortable and unstressed and somehow, connected I feel with these people (and a few others, of COURSE!) - most of whom I've known only a few months, and some I've known about a year or so. All of them are Crusaders, all have a passion for the Lord, despite how different we all are.. yup, I guess it's that, plus God's Love, that binds us all together.

But are we being too "exclusive"? Too "cliquish", when you just want to have a fun and stress-free time hanging out with your best pals? I really don't know.. is it terrible to want to spend time with those people with whom you feel most comfortable, and not so much with others? Don't worry, I'm not taking myself on a guilt trip.. I don't feel guilty THAT easily. It's just..something to think about.

Other random stuff -

A lizard just fell on my sister's head. *chuckles* Well in case anyone thinks that was mean of me, how bout the time she stuffed a dead GECKO into an empty jewellery box and bluffed me that someone had given me a GOLDHEART necklace for V-day? Huh huh? Hmm... *scratches head*.. maybe I should start using the Kwang hottest-heater method to exterminate the world of lizards. ~~~

My mother was gawking at this heavily be-muscled, half-clothed scene of Arnold Schwazzenegger, the last I walked past the TV. Yikes. What's with her and her idols? If it's not Arnie, it's Fei Yu Qing.. now I think Zhang Fei is a better candidate for admiration, at least. ~~~

Jealousy and self-pity do not good walking partners make. Well, at least, not for someone who wants to walk right in the Lord's eyes. Cos these are two attributes that do NOT come from Him, but which work together extremely well to take one's self-esteem one full notch DOWN. ~~~

I want a Schnauzer dog, some day.. but who knows when? I don't even know if I'll have the time and effort a dog fully deserves, once I start working. ~~~

Gotta choose earrings tomorrow.. nope not for me! Haha. It's for a very good friend of mine, and if you're reading this, Karen, please note that I hope you like my taste! ~~~

I WOULD like to be Sir Gawain, the next time we play Shadows. No more the lousy King.. please please PLEASE? Hehe... ~~~

More readings to do!! Tutorials to hand in!! (Note it's "hand in, NOT pass up!") ~~~

I love my friends, I really do! SOOO people! I'm really looking forward to having dinner with everyone tomorrow night..even at the expense.. of some long overdue readings. Sighhh..~~~

To anyone who's reading this.. who's supposed to have posted a photo of yourself as a baby by next Friday - hurry up and get thee to searching for that photo! Haha.. *drums thumbs*... Miss Impartial Judge awaits. I already have the very first (tentative) entry, by a Mr Gan, but til the rest have been posted.. I won't reveal my judgement. Rest assured though, I am very unbiased in such matters. Heh-heh.

Why'd I have to wait so long? Even though.. I know it's for the best... LORD! Please grant me patience NOW! Ok that was a joke.. ~~~

My new favourite word (of the moment) - courtesy of Josh - is ... "FWAH!" HAha. I think I'm very liable to go around "fwah-ing" people for the next few days or so, at least..


More later, FWAH
Kailuo

Feeling so privileged..

Wow!

Today Peggy asked me something.. that really made me feel so honoured and privileged, to be able to serve God in that way.

It's something I've always wanted to do, but of course I have qualms about it! I have fears that I won't do it well! Ah wells. But, according to good ole Daniel (whom I've NEVER met, ha-ha), people FEAR. Because they are ......

*insert music from Jaws*.........

...........PRIDEFUL.

Actually, that's true. It's only when we have high expectations of ourselves, and don't want people to laugh and jeer at us, and think badly of us, that we fear. The trick, then, isn't to NOT have expectations.. because without expectations or goals, a person wouldn't know where to go or what to do, nor how to go about doing something remotely simple. Yup. But we must examine ourselves and our motivations. Wherein lies our motivation to do things? Wherein lies our purpose and our confidence?

We should have expectations.. but only expectations of GOD, and not of ourselves. By bearing in mind always that we are nothing... and that we can do nothing except through Him, we should then be able to see, realistically, just how little we can expect of ourselves.. but how much He can do, using us as His tools - if only we'd learn to rely fully on Him! And that's when our expectations of how much HE can do, through us, will be met.

Okay.. that's really what I will pray for.. to just rely fully on Him. And to just be able to do it for His Glory! =)

Kailuo

Happy Chinese New Year?

Well, not that I'm unhappy this Chinese New Year.. bored, more likely.

What happened? When I was young, CNY was the most highly-anticipated festival, the one I looked forward to the most. The building up of the excitement weeks before was already guaranteed to turn me into a highly-wound up, bouncy gummybear-wannabe the very first day of the new year.

It's not so much the festival that's changed.. it's I who have changed. Nowadays, I don't much care about the delicacies we can nosh on during this day - after all, it's easy enough to get thee down to Cold Storage Heartland Mall and snap up jars of pineapple tarts, any time of the year; the renumeration (via gleefully-accepted Angpows) aren't nearly as much as what I get in a month... and most of the time, I get a splitting headache when I'm around my relatives.

Yup, it IS true. I can be highly anti-social, with an almost border-line autistic behaviour, and this manifests itself most when I'm around my relatives. I simply have nothing in common with them, and their ways of life, and their interests, and etc etc.. the only time today that I brightened up was when I met their dog (a fat hyperactive little West Highland Terrier - yup, the dog on the Cesar pack), and also Jessie, a sweet doggie that belongs to Uncle Raymond from church. The rest of the time I sat around silently, letting the conversation float past my head.

There was this period of time in my life when I really disliked my relatives, even gossiped about them almost daily. Well, nowadays, thankfully some verses from Ephesians 5 just come to mind when I feel the temptation. But I do admit, it IS a struggle to keep on an acceptable behaviour and bite back my tongue, especially when I have so many things to say. And of course, it's hard to keep from smirking whenever my sister makes cutting comments about them.. but this is something I really feel ashamed about, and want to change. Instead I just keep silent whenever such things happen, even though deep within me there're various struggles.. to keep from sniggering, to speak up against her obvious prejudices, to keep from voicing out MY own deeply rooted prejudices...

This brings to mind something that Hansel posted on his DG blog yesterday. David was strong enough and had the will and courage to stand up for HIS GOD! When will I have this courage too? Courage does not equate a lack of fear; instead, it is one's defeat of his sense of fear! For me, it is terribly easy to go out there and tell perfect strangers about my God, to defend my faith when I am amidst friends or acquaintances, to just do Street E.. it is when I am among my family members that courage fails me. When will I become a David, and be able to slay this Goliath that is looming in my mind - that of telling my family about my God, of defending Him to them?

I want to be a David.

(Note that I had a very nice, self-created image of David and Goliath - as Rimtimtim knows - that I'd wanted to post on this entry. But alas, my computer does not have bluetooth. Heh-heh. Well well, so anyways, more reason for everyone else to add their newly-minted CNY cash to the "Get-KL-a-new-laptop-fund", eh?)

Love
Kailuo

The Lord is great!

Just wanted to remind us all.. and I really pray that none of us loses the wonder.. of how great our God is.

For He is great, and holy, and all-mighty!

Yup, that is our God.

Quote for the day:

SOOooo people,

My quote for today (and for the week after, AND for the week after - in fact all the way til the 24th of Feb, and hopefully after that too) is -

"Passion requires Action, if not it's all hype and no change."

Heh-heh, Kwang the Elder tells me I have to cite it carefully. Cos afterall, even though everyone was impressed at my usage of this phrase during LM, it didn't originally sprout from my mouth, unfortunately. This piece of wisdom came from, firstly, God; and then, from John Bevere; afterwhich, it lingered upon the mouth of Kwang the Elder before today, being unfairly plagiarised and inaccurately paraphrased by yours truly. =)

Not feeling too good...

Why?

Dunno.

Well actually I do but there's no point writing the reason down here. That wouldn't make me feel better and even worse, might implicate some others.

SIGHHHH. Dinkeee, I wanna run away to the mountains and be a nun TOO. Ha-ha. That way you could avoid everyone and everything except God.

Sounds good.

Happy evening!

Timmie is back again!

I saw him, jumped a bit cos I thought it was the rat, then saw that it was him, put my hand down, and he walked obligingly right into my palm. So sweet!

Right now the two of them are bullying each other and making a lot of squeaky hamster noises.

I'm gonna treasure whatever short time I have with him, before his next escape. Haha.

School on Sunday!!!!

I was back in school today.

Yes folks, that's school. Ha-ha. Before you get all worked up and start calling me a mugger (well someone already did, heh-heh, and you KNOW who you are!!! =p ), lemme explain some stuff.

I'm gonna do my best this semester cos:

1) I really want to honour God this semester. My grades might not end up the best. But I'm sure that He'll know that when I try my best, it's with glorifying Him in mind. =) - Oh YAH! Everyone, please do remind me of this resolution whenever I start falling asleep in the library or whatever? Thanks!
2) I want to shine, and be a light of the world to my classmates. After all, how do I influence them positively, and show them just how a Christian should behave, if I don't go for lectures, or don't do my readings?
3) I don't want my parents to think there's a correlation between being more involved in Crusade and church and falling grades.=p

Once again - Please do remind me of this, everyone! Thanks!!!!

Kailuo

I could sing of Your love forever...

Sure I could.

I love singing so much.

See, that's the problem. I love SINGING so much. If this had been a TYS question - "Why could you sing of His Love forever?" - the model answer would have been - "Because I love Him so much."

Sigh. When will my prideful behaviour cease? When will I learn truly, that everything - everything I'm capable of, gifted with, presented with, able to do - all come from Him?

It's true. I've never had a major problem being able to do anything I really cared about, since young. God's really blessed me with so many things, so many giftings... the offshoot is that I've never really had to struggle with doing anything. Which isn't good, cos it exposes me to pride.. to my own prideful nature.

I've really come to realise that I need the Lord so much in my life.. that everything I've "done", "created", "made", "established" - all were from His hands, His mightiness. For Proverbs 16:9 says - "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." We might have great and mighty plans, sure. I would love to lead millions of people to Christ, to see a revival in Singapore...But still, these are only human plans. And only the Lord can establish them - as He can frustrate them, in order to let us grow.

Ah see see see. Just my ambitions in the above paragraphs betray me. "I would love to...".. "I want"... but do these plans include, and focus on, glorifying the Lord's Mighty Name? KL KL.. you are so prideful.

I DO know that. But is knowing it in my mind the same as knowing it deep down in my heart?

Gosh. Never realised til recently that I have to struggle with pride too. It's indeed a blow.

Kailuo

Dedicated to da Bandit

One of my greatest tribulations today...

...

Is that my sister has so generously eaten all my Melty-kiss chocolate. *scowls*

And she claims that a stuffed toy dog has done it.

Haha.

Perseverance builds character!

Well many people might not believe it, but other people do share their troubles and problems with me.

I really do thank God for this privilege to encourage and minister to my friends, and to aid them. Before, I would have ran away from reality, and I myself would have struggled with the thought of giving too much in terms of encouragement, and most of all, mental effort. Cos trying to minister to others is a very draining thing, I feel.

But with the aid of God.. I really do thank Him, that His patience, and understanding, and sensitivity are now character traits that I now at least have an understanding of. And what I aspire towards.

Well everyone has his or her own struggles, so I just want to share three verses that Rimtimtim brought to my mind yesterday, and that really captured my heart -

Romans 5:3 - 5:

"... but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

=)

So, yes Lord, I will rejoice in my trials and tribulations and sufferings, because I know "all things work for the good of those who love God", and You are putting them in my life to draw me closer to You! =)

This is so surreal and so dumb.

Yesh, folks. I'm gonna blog about something that I bet all of you are sick and tired of.

I'm sick and tired of this matter too.

Timmie. Is. On the loose again.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Actually I'm really baffled just how he manages to get out..cos this time round, I MADE sure I placed the cage far away from the sides of the big container I place it in, to allow Timmie and Hammie more space to run around.

Well, I either:
a) Have one very SUPER smart superhamster who has evolved flying abilities;
b) Have one SUPER SUPER meanie, sly, intelligent Hammie who kicked Timmie out (hey - maybe they really did climb on each other to get out...);
c) Have one super hungry dog who still managed to look all innocent and cute when I saw him this morning;
d) Have one super hungry and super sneaky rat who gave Timmie a lease of life in his earlier escape attempts cos of his magnaminity;
e) Have one super mean sister/ one super mean dad who sneak up to the attic in the middle of the night with the sole purpose of releasing my Timmie;
f) sleepwalk; OR
g) Have schizophrenia/split-person-consciousness/a very good imagination...cos...There is actually NO Timmie. So all the times I've played with him, held him in my palm, have all been a surreal dream on my part....

Hmm. Wondering which it is. What do you guys think?

KL

You'd have turned 10 this year.

At heart, though, you'd still have been like a little girl, forever immature and spoilt. The baby of the family, the one whom no one could resist. Technically I should have resented it, when you came into our family and stole my position as the youngest - but who could get mad at you? Gladly I relinquished my designated birth role, and happily became one of Your Majesty's retainers.

Who could stand looking at those melting brown eyes and not give you what you wanted? Who could resist the urge to giggle wildly at your antics and the lithe, gallop-ey way you ran? Anyone who caught a glance of your stubby tail, forever wagging, and your eager, flopping ears fell straight away into love with you.

I remember those clandestine runs we used to have in Serangoon JC. Late at night, after all the students had gone home, we would squeeze through the hole in the fence and just - run. Just run, as wild and as fast as the wind, it seemed. All my troubles were chased away, all my problems solved, just there beside you, hearts pounding, lungs screaming for air, legs pumping away.. as we ran the night away, and then jumped, you and I in unison, onto the gym mattresses right in the middle of the field.

I remember the little whimpering sounds you made, whenever you approached a strange dog. Unlike your fierce brothers, you were never afraid or unwilling to make friends. But shyness was indeed in your nature; your tail would wag furiously but that shy little voice gave you away, as you sniffed at their noses with intense curiosity. In the end, you became one of the most popular little dogs around the neighbourhood. Remember that brown mongrel which would come trotting cockily up to our front gates in the early mornings, just to say hi? And Bobby, whom you made friends with and then forever never deigned to play with? I guess you got a bit sick of his over-eagerness. You were always such a fussy little girl.

I remember the ferocious mock-snarls you used to give Polo, whenever you two played at chasing and tag. How fierce you sounded! Everyone at home nicknamed you the "fierce girl" and you ate it up as you did any other compliment. Polo did avenge himself, though; remember those three bad bites he gave you on your ear, and how you bore the bites, AND my clumsy attempts at bandaging them up and ministering to them, with such patience and without growling at all, despite how much it must have hurt...

I remember the way it felt when I ran my fingers softly through your fur. If I were to close my eyes now and really concentrate, I can still remember what you smelled like - never overly reeky like those two boys. I can still remember how I clipped your nails, how I groomed you almost obsessively every day, how proud I was of your beautiful shiny coat and bright eyes...

I remember that last day you were at home.. when you refused to eat your food and I shouted at you. Despite your illness, despite your weakness, you got up and made straight for me.. you looked up at me with those eyes - those eyes that lied and said "Everything will be all right".. you put your paw on me, to comfort me. How would I know that would be your last full day at home? That night you had a relapse.. I yelled again at you for biting your IV drip away, and again you looked at me patiently, knowing full well what I did not yet know...

Everyone else said "It's just a dog". Everyone else didn't understand. You were definitely much more than "just a dog" to me - you were the perfect friend for an adolescent, outwardly obedient but inwardly stifled and rebellious. You took me down a peg or two when I needed it, you offered me laughter and joy when I wanted, you gave me comfort and sympathy when I felt sad, you were there for me to cry to and talk to, you forced me to exercise with you... you were more than just a dog. You were my best friend during a large part of my life.

I used to dread the pain that would come, each and every time I dreamt of you - which was very frequent, especially in the two years after you left. Now I wonder if I will welcome the pain and anguish, at least a little - after all, that would mean I am still thinking of you. Now I dread the day I can think of you and not feel any sorrow - instead, yearn to drift onto other topics, maybe.

Lord, please let my little girl always remain in my heart. Thank You.

Even better news!!

YES!

The prodigal hamster has returned. Well, maybe not exactly unreluctantly, but c'mon. What could be better than home?

=))))

Thank You LORD! You who doesn't forget the...yes, the SPARROWS. (pointed out courtesy of da Bandit)

Kailuo

Great news for the political world!

The East Timorese have got Ina.

And now I've a freedom fighter too, only of the rodent variety.

Check this out - Rimtimtim says: "Timmy cries freedom!!!"

Heh-heh.

Freedom fighters... inevitably don't get treated well by the (wrong) authorities. They get tortured. Their fingernails get pulled off, their limbs stretched on the rack, they get whipped, humiliated, jailed, and what-not. Despite the support they get from the common people.

Hmm. Well in this case, KL is the common person. She is rooting for Tim-mie/my. Tim-mie/my is the freedom fighter. And the vacuum cleaner tomorrow shall act the part of the ominous authorities.

Siiiiighhhh.

Lord, please take care of my little hamster... You who doesn't forget a swallow. Keep Your blessings over him and please don't let him get sucked into the vacuum cleaner/drowned by the mop/mashed by the furniture tomorrow.

Thank You.

Kailuo

He's so hard to pin down!!!

Yes....why's this guy in my life so hard to pin down and to catch? I really want him back..but somehow, he's not reciprocating.

Is it cos he's goodlooking? Yeah, maybe. Those black eyes of his would melt any lady's heart. Is there some femme that I don't know of, luring him away...?

Is it cos he's got the heart of adventure? Yup, could be.. Adventurers are wanderers and are never contended to be stationary.

But why's he so hard to catch????

I think the most significant reason is that ... he HAS FOUR FREAKING LEGS THAT RUN FREAKING FAST!!! Much faster than my hands can move.

Stupid hamster. Maybe I should have named you Flash instead of Timmie.

Well, okie. Tonight is the last night to catch you, before the cleaning lady comes tomorrow and mashes you in her attempts to straighten the furniture. So PLEASE COOPERATE!

Rimtimtim'd better use his psychic powers to help me catch my hamster...

(a very distressed) Kailuo

Thank God for the shower!!!!

Because without showers, we wouldn't be able to see rainbows. =)

Or more literally, the kindness in people.

Most of us are brought up to imagine Singaporeans as a selfish, self-effacing lot, concerned only about matters close to their hearts. Just today, my Philosophy of Culture lecture listed as example this quote by MM Lee - that the Singaporean culture is one of "intelligent cooperation for self-interest." Hmmm. Well I'm glad the sudden afternoon downpour today showed me the other side of my compatriots.

As I stepped out of Boon Keng MRT station, it was already raining significantly. But no worries. Kailuo is a gian, gung-ho person, not inclined to be stopped by a few mere drops of rain. Hmm. As I walked briskly towards Hiap Huat House(which contains the Mecca of all Crusaders - Hmm..THAT sounds a bit wrong. But I digress.), the few mere drops of rain evolved within a few minutes into a LOT of drops of rain. But still mere, thought KL. Still weak and unable to stop KL in her quest for a study bible!

Boy, was I wrong. VERY soon, the rain became a downright tropical.. downpour. So there I was, stranded equidistance between HHH and Boon Keng MRT station. I was going to get soaking wet, whichever way I headed. OF COURSE, it had not failed to escape my powers of observations that there WERE HDB flats, about 5 metres away from where I had been standing. Well, actually, to tell the truth, I'm not so unalert; I'm just impatient. The heavens looked all set to open up and rain down upon me for the entire afternoon. I wasn't about to wait THAT long.

Grimly, I soldered onwards to HHH. By then, not only was I already soaking wet, my hair was all flat and I was all grouchy at myself and at God for letting it rain. AND - AND! There was still a traffic light to be crossed!

The light took forever to turn green. Well, maybe not forever, but about 7 minutes, which is a LONG time when you're standing there shivering and soaked to the bones like a drowned cat. I glared around me impatiently and - AHA! There behind me stood my savior - someone with an UMBRELLA.

But slowly, reality dawned upon me. Wait a tick - this is SINGAPORE, this guy wouldn't step forward to offer me the usageo of his umbrella. More likely, we would both stand with animosity next to each other for the next few minutes, I soaking wet and he completely dry, with the added advantage on his side of getting amused by me getting wetter and wetter by the minute.

But boy - was I wrong! And I'm glad I was. After one glare, I'd turned back towards the road. But this guy wasn't deterred by my buay song look; all of a sudden, I stopped getting rained on. Halleluja! This uncle had decided to step out of the natural comfort zone occupied by most Singaporeans and decided to help me.

So we stood there, side by side, not speaking except a "Thanks Uncle" from me and a "You're welcome" from him. With awkward gestures and little sideways smiles, I communicated my thanksgiving to him though.

And when I'd reached HHH, all under the shelter of his umbrella, a lady actually stepped forward (by herself! No hostile glares at all!) to offer me her pack of tissue paper, to wipe my dripping face and body. Haha.

Wow.. I think God used these two people today to break my cynical heart down. Despite the shower, I'm so thankful that I got offered help by these two. =)

Kailuo

Another tiring day...

Yea yea, I realise my titles are getting boring... they all sound kinda alike, post after post after post. But well, it WAS a tiring day! So tiring that I K.O-ed straight away after reaching home in the afternoon.

Maybe it wasn't so much so the activities that we did that tired me out - after all, what was there? Church in the morning.. nope we didn't sing Tell the World so there wasn't any jumpin' around =p ; lunch after that at Heartland Mall; walked back to Tani after that for a talk about Missions Awareness and then straight home. Maybe it was the weather. But I'm more inclined to think it was the THINKING that tired me out.

"Think?" I hear you, yes, YOU, my dear reader, commenting incredulously. Well, surprisingly or not, I AM a human being, I DO have a brain (whether or not it's part of my body or just my mind.. haha.), and I DO think.

So many thoughts flittered through my mind. So many concerns. So many burdens. Shaz was so sweet (thanks Shaz!), she came up to ask me whether I was sad, despite her personal problems too.

It suddenly struck me just how busy I would be this semester. Not only doing the readings for the 5 modules I will be taking (and hopefully, doing well in!!!), but also agreeing to head the Publicity Comm for GEN 12, tuition for whoever AND whoever AND the YM-ers, and furthermore, catching up with friends, spending time with my poor, neglected family (oh well they seem to be doing all right without me, but you never know), Swordfighters the whole of Monday nights, and studying outside of the readings... suddenly, and amazingly, I was on the verge of one of those famous panic attacks that I'd heard about but never really experienced. Heh-heh.

But then I also realised - just how much this whole semester will just be laid in God's Hands. In His MIGHTY Hands! Yes! We need not have fear cos we're all conquerors and the children of the all-mighty God... as long as I lay it all on Him, and rest in Him, He will help me overcome everything! Yup, that's one thing I'm thankful to have realised and to be able to learn too, throughout this semester. =)

And I also thought about YOU. Do you know just how worried I am about you? How sad and torn... I get. When I see how you've turned away from Him, or at least, from seeking Him, when you were the first among us to accept Christ. I don't mean to preach, I really don't...neither am I of an holier-than-thou attitude and judgemental... I seriously do love you guys so much. But I will pray for you and Rain and the family. On my part too, I really have to remember to be a light that shines with God's love.. I know I don't really treat the 'rents as an obedient, loving daughter should, and that's something sad and to be changed too. Just to remind you of something - Romans 12: 1-2 says "... present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God... Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind..." We all need the reminder. =)

Well, yesterday already I'd wanted to go to school to get my readings (yesh yesh, I DO get my readings), but was thwarted. Well I'd thought of it today, but pushed it to the back of my mind; only when I heard that Hansel had gone did I feel that maybe I should have too. Nah, this isn't a competition thing, to see who's more hardworking; it was just that I really need to do my readings, more so than he does, I think. Well but I went for the talk in Tani, and boy, am I glad I did. It was totally mind blowing, to see how God's love has been shown to the people in poor and war-torn countries. The sharing by Maomao, Evan, Auntie Susan, Shawn, and Betty was especially poignant; just hearing about the children who had so little but were brightened up by small surprises and gestures just both choked my heart and lifted it. The smiles of the Cambodians in the video... the sincere prayer of those who'd accepted Christ.. it was all just so beautiful.

Joining GEN 12 has been something I'd prayed about. I knew that I'd much prefer doing humanitarian work to interacting with some aloof intellectual Uni undergrad (whom I can't out-argue, hmmph.. haha).. and also, because I have to take modules during the special semester and because I really want to go for church camp this year, I knew I would have to sign up for a short stint. Well God just answered my prayers! This morning I found out the actual dates of the church camp..and that it wouldn't interfere with either a trip to Cambodia OR to Thailand, under GEN 12. Hmm, now the question is, which to place as first choice. I do have fears that my parents will object.. but that is a hurdle I will cross with God's help when I get there.

I also realised today while complaining about the lack of cheese in my nacho cheese gordita that - hey!! We have loads of cheese in the fridge (selected and purchased by yours truly) that has not been eaten and that is going to expire soon. Authentic, unpasterized Cheddar and Old Gouda (I only go for the old, STRONG ones) and grated Parmesan and what-not... I'd better start enjoying them soon. But truly, I don't feel like eating most of the time when I'm home - except if dinner's PIZZA! (or instant ramen. Haha)

I also thought about..something else. The same old, same old. But the answer to THAT, I believe God has said, is to wait. And to be patient.

These concerns are things I've really been thinking bout for very long.. just that somehow they've not been pushed so closed together at the same time, and so far to the front of my mind for a long time.

Someone asked me the other day - I believe it was Chris or Hansel - whether I ever get sad. And if so, how it's manifested, since I'm almost always bouncy and happy and beaming to the whole world.

Uhm, I think it's enough to say that if you see me deep in thought and not speaking.. I feel either VERY tired.. or just burdened. Maybe not sad, exactly. But burdened, yup.

Yay! Pizza for dinner! The cheesy, lava-stuffed one. Yum yum..

~Kailuo~

Tired but fulfilled...

Well, so this morning Peiwen and I cabbed it down to the Cheshire Home for the Severely Disabled (yes, cabbing has become my favourite form of transportation next to Daddy's Taxi Service.) and spoke to Joanne, the volunteer coordinator there.

Good news: Kailuo is to teach Veeki, a 16 year-old Normal Technical resident of said home, Sec 3 Math. Once weekly, on Saturdays from 10 to 11.

Bad news: KAILUO is to teach Veeki, a 16 year-old Normal Technical resident of said home, Sec 3 MATH. Once weekly, on Saturdays from TEN to eleven.

Both statements are identical, kinda. BUT! Note the different focus in both statements. Haha. The next paragraph will take my loyal reader into trying to analyse the different emphasis placed on the different words.

Firstly, KAILUO in the second statement was meant to be emphasised. Picture this scene early this afternoon, in Joanne's office after she'd handed PW and me Veeki's school books and left the room.

KL: Eh, how ah... MATHS leh.. MATHS leh...
PW: Uhm.. you want me to ask my father to tutor you so you can tutor this boy?
KL: Huh.. let's see..what is.. a perfect square huh? How to complete huh?
PW: (frantically searching for pen and paper in her bag, and finally coming upon them) YES! Now we can try out the questions ourselves... see if we remember.

~ 5 Minutes later ~
KL and PW: (scratching heads) ..............................

Okie, maybe that analyses the second emphasis also. On the word MATH.

Third emphasis was on the TIME. TEN to eleven. Now, let's work back.. to reach Cheshire Home at 10, fresh and with extra time (for prayer and to freshen up after the walk), I canNOT wake up at ... sigh. At eleven/twelve anymore in the near future. As I've been doing for many a day during the hols. Well, looking on the bright side.. I won't ever be late for worship practice in the future too.

Well besides talking to Joanne and puzzling over Sec 3 Maths books, we also talked to Zainal, one of the residents at the home. He's perfectly normal intellectually and can hold a conversation with us for hours, although I have to admit, it kinda gets stressing when one has to strain over and sometimes try to decipher what he says. Cos admittedly his motor skills aren't that good. But hey, this guy is a brilliant conversationist - AND a lady killer to boot! =p

Check this out. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out not one, not two, not even three, but about half a dozen (!!!) A6 sized notebook, all scribbled with names of the people he's made the acquaintance of. And about 9/10 of them are female names! So PW and I got a voyeuristic glimpse into the lives and thoughts of "Louisa Meimei" or "Leah Aku"... as they wrote down their addresses, birthdates, and described the joy they'd felt upon meeting Zainal. Seriously.. this guy is ... POWERFUL.

At first, of course, other than thinking him the brilliant conversationalist and sweet talker he is, I was of the opinion that Zainal was a bit too much of a flirt. After all, in just this one day, we posted for him 2 letters (and there were 2 more, oh-ho) from him to 4 of his "mei-mei's"!!!!

But after a while.. I realised. Hey, this guy isn't a flirt. He isn't desperate... at least not for female company, like many of his male counterparts in the society are. He's just desperate for LOVE. Any form of care, concern, or love.. any form of long-term relationship or company. That was why he clung so frantically to the volunteers that'd come, and asked them so much about their particulars.. he just wants a friend, someone who he knows will never leave him in the home and go about doing their mundane, everyday business in their everyday lives. He wants to know details about people out there, people outside the home, not purely because he's kaypoh or wants a nice "mei-mei" to boast about to gullible people like PW and I.. he really wants a FRIEND that he can write to, that'll write back to him, that'll come and visit him and never forget him.

Sometimes I really wonder.. if the residents of such homes hate the volunteers who go there once, twice, three times maybe - and bring them so much joy and happiness - and then just withdraw? This is really not a personal attack upon anyone who's done that - I never meant to. There're only 24 hours to a day and each and everyone of us is busy. =) It's just a random question, one I just thought of. Afterall, by doing that, we're giving them a glimpse of blessings, hope, that they might never have - and then cruelly snatching it all away again. Or ARE we doing that, by volunteering? Alternatively, is it better, as was once said (in an Andy Lau watch advertisement, no less) - to have and to possess once, and then to lose something, rather than to NEVER have possessed that thing?

Yup, I'm aware that's a terrible translation. But bear with me, my Chinese sucks. (More than my Maths)

Sigh. How much he needs Jesus. How much we ALL need Jesus.

Nightmare!!!!

Oh my goodness!

I just had a totally vivid nightmare about an entire stranger, someone I've NEVER MET before!!!!

It all centred upon my water-bottle. The new one, the orangey-yellow Nalgene one. I was desperately trying to get this afore-mentioned someone (who shall henceforth be known as FPUOTB, and only Li-en knows what that stands for, and Lindeee, if you don't, ask me, and I will tell you privately..anyways so stop speculatin'. Haha.) to stay behind at the old, erstwhile Kovan interchange so that she could help me fill my brand new Nalgene bottle. My eyes went big and puppy-dog-like, although goodness knows HOW I know they looked, since I was the one making them like that.. but anyways they went like a sad puppy-dog's, in a bid to get her to do as I wanted her to. My voice went all pleading-like.

Well guess what, FPUOTB had a TERRIBLE impression of me. FPUOTB shook her head sadly and in mild irritation, and complained that she wanted to get home...and my heart just sank.

Yikes. Moral of the story number 1 - never get someone you've never (or just) met to fill your Nalgene bottle. You always end up getting disappointed.

Moral of the story number 2, a more general principle this time 'round - Kailuo should never try her persuading (some say pestering) skills on everyone. Especially those she's never tested the waters with. Or rather, she shouldn't try them at all.

Fun Saturday! Oooh-hoo! Soon I'll be leaving for the Cheshire Home for a meeting with the social worker in charge there, to go through some tuition material (*gulp.. MATHS???*) I'll be doing with this 16 year-old. Ricki. Or Veeki. After that, a myriad of readings to stand in line for, endure the blinding lights of the photocopying machine, and pay for!

PS Okie the dream was really ridiculous, and Li-en knows why. HA!

So much to say...

Like some people (WHO???? Haha..) say, I tend to get into monologues sometimes.

Well this is one of those (frequent) times. But somethings.. are just. So. Private.

That I can't really share them..or express them.. out. Only to God - to Him that is who He is. Thank You for listening to all my rants, complaints, cries, silly laughter, grumbles, and tears, and still loving me, despite them all.

*shrugs*

Maybe that's a good way to shut me up, just get me to thinking about private matters. Or, just get me tired. (Heh-heh, I'll see how people do that.. I am hyper manytimes and it's hard to get me tired.) THEN I might keep quiet. =)

Smart ratter-boy

Polo is so smart!!!!

He was looking around and sniffing anxiously around the sofa and the kitchen just now, looking for ole Rodent Boy.

Hehe. And my sister and I were his able assistants, clutching anxiously respectively a torchlight and a heavy book (to mash the rat as it runs out, you understand) in our quest.

More updates will be given when the rat is caught.

Just another sleepless night...

Heh. Just like any other regular student, I'm the type who believes in one last, big bash before settling down to work.

Well, I guess that for this semester would be - last night. Or rather, last night AND the whole of this morning. There was no special occasion or event - we'd just wanted simply to have fun and enjoy ourselves, and so decided to sleepover at my house, play some games, watch a coupla Dvd's. Well suffice to say, it was GREAT! How could it not be, spending time with the precious girls in my life - Dinkeee and Lindeee? Hee. Getting to know my new classmates Joann and Barney even better and realising just how similar we are, and how much chemistry we have - hey guys, I foresee a great one sem doing that too! Haha.. and also, just joking along with that golden boy Hans, with that gigantic smile on his face that most of the time never fails to cheer us up too. =)

So there we were, gathered at 12 midnight (!!!!) in my attic. Li-en suggested playing the Shadows of Camelot game, and even though it took the other 5 of us intelligent NUS undergrads about 1 hr (well, with suitable intervals of shrill laughter and munchin') to understand the mysterious workings of the game, finally we got down to it. Well, it's mostly about working together and combining special powers to fight quests, unless you're the special, annointed, unknown Traitor, in which case, you try your darndest to look innocently at the others and Pull a Barney. And what, pray, is that, exactly?

Well, imagine this taking place halfway through the game:

Barney: KL is a rotten King Arthur, she is BOUND to be the traitor!!!
Joann and Li-en: *nod vigorously*
Lindy and Hans: Hmmm... no. We trust her! (probably cos KL's too blur and stupid to survive long as a treacherous member of the kingdom. THEY know me best. Haha.)
Barney: LOOK! We have all the evidence -
KL: Heyheyhey! Just cos I'm stupid at this kinda board games, doesn't mean you can expose me as King Trai - oops.
Everyone, with realisation dawning upon them: Hey, she DID almost call herself King Traitor...
KL: Shucks....
Barney: *forcibly reaches out and turns KL's card over, to reveal her utmost loyalty.
KL: Told ya I was stupid...

And in the end the most willing of accusers, the most vocal, the most articulate, the one pledging his fervent loyalty to the King - HE turned out to be the traitor. Hmmf. Well that set the tone of the early morning, as one by one, subsequent Traitors tried to pull "Barnies" - OR tried to pull psychological tricks in WHICH they accused others of trying to pull "Barnies". Hansel as a Traitor is unbearably evil - imagine a gleeful voice sniggering away as he takes away yet another life of yours... Lindy, on the other hand, tried hard to incapacitate others in their search for the Traitor, as she made use of her well-known blur-ness. Heh-heh. Not bad, you guys! =P

Take it from me - this game is hysterical when it's 3am in the morning and you're still trying to obtain the Holy Grail, but fail to do so due to some evil chio-bu sorceress called Morgan. We were in cackling mode one-third of the time, concentrating furiously on making wise decisions another 2/3rds, and staring blankly at one another in severe states of sleep deprivation the last third.

Well, I'd just like to say thanks to four groups of people. Firstly, my sister, for so sweetly volunteering to come up with hors d'ouvres, and then whipping up in such a short time the Jamie Oliver-worthy spread of egg mayo and cheese and chilli padis. Hmmm. Take it from me, she's a brilliant cook (unfortunately it doesn't run in the family) and a self-sacrificial person. Hey guys, too bad she's taken! =)

And also, to my family - for bearing with the loud thumping coming from the attic, the shouts of "EHHHH!!! Traitor!!!", the cups and mattresses and plates we usurped, for the pratas my Dad bought us this morning, etc etc.. Sometimes it's at times like that when you simply realise just how blessed you are. And I am. Thank You, Lord, for my family.

Thank you to everyone who came and made the night and morning so enjoyable! Thanks for the company and the fellowship, and the lack of complaints (well, from mostly EVERYONE..) about the reekiness of my house. Haha. When you've had dogs for so long, you tend to get.. immune to their smell.

And lastly! Thank you SOOOO much to one special guest! Not only was his arrival unprecipitated, he also managed to stir up some excitement amongst 5 sleepy-headed young adults at around 7am in the morning! Check this out:

Li-en, Kailuo, Hans, Lindy, and Barney are snoozing peacefully, scattered amongst the sofas in the living room. Joann, smart girl, had elected to stay upstairs in the aircon and (relative) clean-ness.

Suddenly, Lindy: (mumbling) WErhasdfo... waddd...something.. hmm...
Everyone else: Huhhh.... what...
Lindy: (clearer this time, in a cautious tone) Kailuo.. I said.. do you.. uhm.. keep other rodents? Other than hamsters?
KL: ...... uhm... What'd you see?
Lindy: Uhhh... I saw...something big... just run past me and into this sofa (hereby pointing at the sofa Barney was still blissfully, ignorantly sleeping on). Something with a TAIL.

After acertaining that the creature had not been a figment of her imagination, NOR a cockroach, we decided to corner it and poke it out.

KL and Lindy: (stepping gingerly to sofa) Uhh..Barney.. maybe you could.. get up? We wanna do...something.
Barney: (sleepily) Waadddd? Did your hamster escape?
Everyone else:.... uh...nope.. its cousin? (Silent sniggering and desperate holding in of giggles)

After a fair bit of pushing around and poking, FINALLY! The distinguished guest decided to reveal himself, and ran out into full sight to show a brownish-blackish (according to the eyewitness, Ms Lindy Teo) coat and a long tail.

Lindy, KL and Hans: (jumping on sofas) AHHHHHHH!!!!
Li-en and Shanghai: ......... (Stupid Shanghai was sleeping and didn't even twitch, by the way...)

All right! So that about summed up the night - not only sleepless (in Singapore), but exciting and fun. Smelly, maybe. Rodent-y. But ah well, it's not everyday that people come to stay over. Hey gang, let's do it again during the next holiday!!!! =) All the best for your semester, and remember to continually strive hard to honour Him in everyway - and that includes studies!

Love
Kailuo

Why is it you?

Why's it always you who has the capacity to do this to me?

I really... BUAY TAHAN!!!! Grrrrr...

Yea, I might say this and clutch and tear at my hair..but deep down inside I'm not a lion, I'm a sad lamb. =(

Back to school!!! (and some other stuff)

Yikes.

I have a feeling this post is going to be like one of those angsty-schoolgirl-complaining-about-lessons-starting kinda post. Well oh well. Here's something to tell all my readers: I AM a schoolgirl (well maybe not so angsty), and while I'm not complaining about the imminent start of my lessons, I'm not exactly feeling on top of the world.

Tomorrow lessons ARE going to restart. While I really welcome the new beginning, I don't welcome the lack of sleep or appetite it's going to cost. Afterall, this semester I have 6 modules!!! And five of them are - philosophy modules!!! Check them out - Philosophy of Culture. (hmm; interesting. Should be about the..uhm..various philosophies of various cultures?) Major Political Philosophers. (Wow. Maybe Rousseau. Hehe. Someone I attempted to read in Deutsch - but failed miserably at.) Philosophy of Mind. (Well and I'm about to be lectured by the same brilliant guy who last semester tried to induct his class into the analytical Hall of Fame for Philosophy, but failed, not from lack of trying or effort, but rather, because of a lack of brain cells on OUR part.) Introduction to Indian Thought. (Ooh-hoo! Grace might envy me for this. ;p Although it's still pending.) And lastly - this is the kicker - Applied Ethics. The first assignment of which is due in WEEK 2!!!???!?!

Other than that, I managed to bid and secure Science of Music, the immensely popular class for which half of the people I talked to got as a final grade an A at least. Ho-hum. Well I've had some encouragement (Hey! You were from band!) to some discouragement (Hey! You failed your grade one piano exam!* Hmmm..).. well. But I do thank God that I got it, cos it's such an interesting module, and also that .. I have tons more S/U options. S/U options, to the uninitiated, just means we get to choose which of our cross-faculty modules we want to keep ungraded. Hmmm.

Well. Besides these 6, I have - Crusade stuff. Yay. About 4 hours confirmed in all, plus a coupla more for meetings. Tuition for the YM-ers. (Yesh, YM-ers reading this, I am going to be one of your FEROCIOUS tutors. AHAHA. Are you guys SCARED?) Tuition maybe for some disadvantaged children at this agency in Hougang. (Darnit... why'd I ever agree without thinking through the implications? But I really want to...) And I'd really like to volunteer again, on a regular basis this time round, at the Cheshire Home.

Hmm. But yup, I should stop complaining. Afterall, I know that God will always let me lean on Him. Will grant me the strength and wisdom I need, just as long as I ask. Maybe instead of looking at this semester with anxiety and panic, I should see it as an opportunity to really just see how weak we are, each and everyone of us. And how strong our Father is, and how willing to help us weather storms He is. Yup.

Right now, I'm feeling.. really better. Not as panicked (well, as panicked as a carefree person as I can feel!) as just now.

Some other random stuff:
My dad calls the neighbour's obese Gold Retriever "Dua puay". Soooo mean.

I wanted to get a Crumpler bag today but ended up sleeping through the designated time my sis and I were supposed to go Plaza Sing. Hmm. Is this God's way of telling me.. my goodness-knows-how-old sling bag is ... not that old after all?

I'm contemplating going back to school on Tuesday, a public holiday, to get readings. For the SOLE agenda of getting readings. But - WAIT! Halleluja! The library closes at 4pm on holidays. So there's no point doing that. Yup. Great decision-making process, my mind has.

Should I clean up my room? And the third floor? But I'm not one of those panicked hostesses who have to make sure their domain is sparkling clean before their friends visit. Afterall, everyone knows just how untidy KL really is.. plus the dog would just mess it up again. Haha. Yup but the drinks are a necessity. And they could always use the massage chair to entertain themselves.... right girls (and guy)???? Haha.

Yayyy!!! Sleepover at my place tomorrow!! I can't wait!!! Haha. We're gonna watch good ole DVD's, then play good ole games, and finally, have good ole supper. Yum yum.

Kailuo






* For the record, yesh. I DID fail it. Haha. Now bug off.

Thanks for speaking to me.

Thank You, Lord, for speaking to me so vividly the past coupla days.

Firstly to tell me how much more I need to love my family and friends.

And THEN, to tell me not to play God. Thank You for saying it in such a gentle way. I could have gotten into totally hot soup.. but yup. I didn't.. and I really, really, want to thank You!

Also, for reminding me again.. how sweet surrender to You is. It's still tough, this learning to let go.. I don't know if I'm capable of it alone. So please help me! But what I do worry is that sometimes I find myself slipping back to the same old, same old..

And lastly, Lord, in the past few days - thank You for teaching me to really just WATCH MY TONGUE. Thanks to people who've pointed it out too. Heh-heh. This is really difficult too, in a different way.. for the naturally kaypoh and talkative person that I am.

Can't fall back into sleep...haha. It's now - 5am Sunday morning. Oh well, at least I won't be late for church later on. :p

Kailuo

To be more loving..

Yesterday night...well actually, THIS morning, Karen and I just had a good talk. From 10pm to 2am!!! (and one wonders why I wake up at unearthly hours like.. 11am. *grins*) Anyways, I was telling her about the visit to the Cheshire Home, and I was really touched by what she said - that I'm loving.

Well. Was thinking about it. What DOES it mean, to be loving? I know that when I see disadvantaged people, for instance the elderly, or the physically and intellectually disabled, I really feel compassion for them. I want to help them, to talk to them, to brighten up their days. I just want to use what I've been blessed with to bless them and to just .. try to be a light in their lives. And it's true, I don't get repulsed or shocked or offended or scared or what-not by these people that I want to help.. I speak to them, hug them, comfort them, support them, purely cos I've felt Jesus' love for me and I really want to spread it around too.

Okie, so yup. Maybe I AM loving to them. I don't know. .~shrugs~

But then, why can't I be more loving to most of the friends around me? Even my family? Is it because I see how much they have been blessed with, and how much joy they have in their lives already? Even when they're sad, or have some issues at hand, unless it's the special few that I really feel have a special connection with, most of the time I don't try to love them. Or rather, I don't love them in a gentle way - instead of listening and trying to understand, and supporting them, my love language in these cases consists more of practical steps to finding a long-term solution. And while I admit that sometimes this is not exactly the best way to try to love people, I have to say that I can see the potential in them. Compared to those born disabled, those without homes or families, the senile - they have so much more. They really have the potential to break free of their emotional wounds and conquer their hurts with the help of God. Yup. Maybe that's why when I'm dealing with these people, I tend to be impatient.. in pushing my own way across. I don't try to understand and see from their point of view. And THAT's not being loving.

Why was my motivation last night online exactly? Was it to support a fellow sister in Christ, as it should have been? Or merely just to get my point across and get others to agree with it? I'm afraid.. it was very much the latter. While my reasons for suggesting what I did were, I believe, not wrong - it was really WHY I suggested them that was not right. Thanks to Rimtimtim and Li-en who pointed me to that realisation.

Yup.. I can see now that it's in black and white..just how much more I need to learn. To grow in Christ's love. Sometimes one doesn't see how ugly she is, but I thank You, Lord, for showing me. For speaking to me day by day about just how sinful man is. Just how impatient and how unloving and prideful.. and how.. twisted.. one's motivations can get.

One more very good reminder to me, and to everyone reading:


1 Corinthians 13 -
"(1) If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. (Shucks that's me many times. Maybe I should just keep quiet like many others.) ... (3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have no love, I gain nothing. (4) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way (SHUCKS AGAIN!!!!!! ARGHHHH.. so, so me.); it is not irritable or resentful..."


Lord, please change my heart! So that I learn not to judge, but to love everyone.

Okie, one last thought. For those who I've offended before or have been at the receiving end of my harsh love, this verse is for you guys. Luke 6:37 - "... forgive, and you will be forgiven."

Heh-heh. You know what to do. =)

Kailuo

About street evangelism.

As a Christian, one important aspect of life is to carry out the Great Commission - to go forth and spread the Good Word. Acts 1:8 - ".. and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."

Here're just some thoughts about it. I know some people are uncomfortable about doing it, and this post isn't meant to demean them or what. Personally, God's blessed me with a sunny personality and a character that takes rejection relatively well, so.. well.. for me, Street E isn't really that much of a stumble. So yup, I thank Him. But really, disclaimer: this post isn't meant to stress that the Crusade focus on Street E rules and is much better than other forms of evangelism, ie. friendship evangelism.

Personally, like I said, I'm someone who doesn't fear approaching total strangers on the streets and telling them, or at least attempting to tell them about the Gospel. Of course, manytimes they're busy, and while on the surface they pass you a nice smile and wave you off like an annoying little fly, most of the time deep down inside they're simmering. "Stupid Christians".. they mutter. "Can't they just let us off for ONE day, for goodness' sake???"

Well, the answer is that - nope, we can't. Sorry, you strangers out there on the street. If there were a cure for AIDS, everyone would be jumping for joy to embrace the secret. Well..what's up then, why're you all so hostile still about the GREATEST NEWS? =( It just is so sad...

But whereas some Christians think that Street E has a detrimental effect cos of the hostility it causes to arise in people, and hence is not an effective tool for spreading the Word, I beg to differ. Well, personally, I'm a thinking being (okay, we all are, but maybe I'm more of a smart-aleck than most).. and I think that anything that causes the idea of Christ, of the Salvation available to us, to be stirred up in the consciousness of the people of the world is good. Because only when they think, can they question, and only when they question can they understand and believe. So thinking about stuff's definitely better than keeping them dormant.

Yup, and another point for Street E. What's our motivation in doing it? Well, for me, it's not out of a certain masochistic joy in being made to squirm and answer the deeply-penetrating questions of some pre-believers. It's more of a commandment, I believe. Like it says in Acts 1:8. There are instances in the bible when the GIANTS obeyed God, without knowing why. Well Jesus obeyed God despite the belief amongst his disciples and the others, that his death would have a detrimental effect. Abraham obeyed God and was willing to sacrifice Isaac, despite what that seemed to mean. What I personally can do, I believe, is also to obey.

Of course, it doesn't need to be overt evangelism all the time. As long as others can see that we as Christians are the light and salt of the earth, and that the goodness of God just shines through us - as long as we are walking in the Spirit - I'm sure that is a better testimony than hours of relentless arguing. That's something I as a naturally impulsive and impatient person has to pray about. And most importantly, of course, evangelism isn't about converting someone on the spot - it's a process that might take years and depends on God's will for that person.

So fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who're reading this, please do keep in mind all the above. I'm not sayin' I'm correct, I'm just voicing my personal views. =) In a totally tactful manner, heh-heh-heh.

Love
Kailuo

Yup, you're right Piglet; it's the MEN who don't get it!!! (and some other thoughts) Hehehe..

You say "Wait. If there's even any doubt, WAIT. It can't come from Me." So, even though it's terribly agonizing, I shall wait. Emotions are funny things, and even though I can't say - oh, snap my fingers in the morning and pray that they're gone by the evening, I can still.. I don't know. Trust more in You and Your plans for me. It's the time to enjoy myself and serve You now, and in the future I won't have the time for this. So what I should logically do - is WAIT. It's gonna be so tough.. but I know You, and all my friends, will help me through. After all, Jesus suffered too.. psychologically (so much so that He sweated blood in the evening before His crucifixion).. physically, definitely MUCH MUCH more than 99.999% of us will ever suffer. He was a man too; He had emotions, He had his pains. He wondered why His Father could turn His face from Him. But ultimately, Jesus never disobeyed His God and Father, despite all the internal turmoil, the stress, the emotions. Yup..I pray that I never too.

My dear girls!!! Those who have listened to me grouse last night. And maybe to a certain extent in the coming days. Thankewwwwww!!! =) Like Li-en, I really wanna thank all of you.. for pointing me to the correct view, the Godly view. It's true, the MEN don't get it.. most of them need some kinda crash course in sensitivity and tact. HAHA. Well I said MOST of them... that's so not true for my loyal regular male readership, which (up til now) has hit a brilliant, record-breaking sum tally of ... ONE! Hehe.. you know who you are. Hey but really, I think that you're really sensitive..thanks for voicing out your thoughts in such a frank, logical way always, and for helping me to change. Thank God that He is leading you to lead others in a godly manner.

Oh right. Girls.. I also wanna give a big shout here.. I really thank God for all of you too!!! Yup, for listening.. and like Li-en says, for understanding, or pretending! In the past year one tremendous blessing He's brought me has been all of you.. all the precious support, encouragement, and concern that sometimes, only girls (and guys who get it) can give. AND for bringing me to good eateries too..heh-heh. Lindeee, let the Tau Huay shop be the first in many many good food stalls, please....

Heading for LM later. I have something for the two girls mentioned here!!! =) Not the Giraffe shirt though..hahaha.

Love
KL (MNOP)

I don't feel good.

In fact, I feel..down.

Like I have a tummyache, only now it's shifted to the upper left side of my chest.

Fun evening!!!

Hey folks!

I had a great time this evening. Li-en and I'd planned to eat dessert at the White Tangerine Cafe after dinner, so there we were, at around 9pm, feasting on DEEEELICIOUS scoops of ice cream and waffles and a chocolate brownie. First things first: My dear Ms Fok, if I gain MORE weight, it is ALL because of youuuu!!! Hahahaha...

After dessert our eyes zoomed in on the small stack of games at the back of the cafe. Hmm. Jenga with two persons isn't half bad! In fact, it's quite fun, considering the fact that I'm a total movement-retard and don't really have good hand-to-eye coordination. Haha. Well, practice makes perfect though, cos out of three times the Jenga tiles fell down, once was caused NOT by me! Haha! =) After that we tried this game, METRO, which neither of us knows how to play.. so it was really tikum-tikum one.

All the while we were buggin' the crab-eatin' Kwang Brothers, who were already in the vicinity, to come join us - after all, the MORE the MERRIER! So when they arrived (after a record-breaking solid TWO hours spent cracking into their crabs), we immediately grabbed the set of Pictionary and proceeded to (try to) win 'em.

Well lemme tell you this - NEVER, EVER, play against a set of brothers. Or sisters, for that matter. I would maybe say siblings, but I realize that different genders do process thoughts differently. While, but anyhow, brothers and sisters make unstoppable, undefeatable teams, as they can ALMOST read each others' minds.

Take this as an instance:

Hansel: (draws ugly, inscrutinable blob)
KL and Li-en: Huhhh??? What the heck is that? (try to imagine the background cackling from the elder Kwang)
Rimtimtim: POT!/TIE!/CANDLE! (and is almost at least 80% correct)

Haha.. see what I just told you? For anyone who's depressed/in a bad mood, I guarantee that a few hours spent just interacting with friends will make you feel happier. =)

Yea!! Narnia tomorrow!!! I can't wait.

It really caught my heart...

Yesterday I attended the Worship team's Prayer & Vision Meeting which was chaired by our great BG Kwang (promoted from being just a plain CO, heh-heh) and I think.. the stuff he said really caught my heart. One of the two things I can remember -

"Why did Jesus die? It wasn't the Romans who nailed Him to the cross - it was US, each and every single one of us.." (okay so this is paraphrased.) So so true. That line just sent shivers down my spine.

And also.. (paraphrased again, I don't have such a good memory for goodness' sake!!!) .. " How do we change the world? By reaching out to others around.. and changing THEIR world."

Let's try to, each and everyone of us, do something to change the world of those around us, for the better. We don't have to be labelled "leaders" just to be able to influence those in our surroundings. We are all leaders in our own right, with the ability to make someone feel better, just with a smile, a touch of encouragement. We all are capable of giving our love and concern to those less blessed. Let's be beacons of light and shine with all our joy, so the world can see!

Love
Kailuo

Just take the plunge..

I was thinking that night, high up (oh-kayyyy.. so it wasn't very high up..) on the Spiderweb with Li-en.. that trusting in God is just like playing on the Spiderweb.

Seriously, no kidding. There was this horizontal part, halfway from the bottom up to the top, of the Web, where the grids were just about smaller than a person's head. It was logically so secure, so safe, to just rest there. But of course, being the little coward I am about heights, I actually whimpered and refused to let go of the knots, to even sit on the grids. Because I was so scared.

But eventually, after Li-en'd encouraged me, I decided to really just take the plunge..and go for it. Gingerly, I settled down and rearranged myself so it was comfy. Bounced abit to see if it would really take my weight. And strangely, after I'd taken the plunge, I felt.. so.. safe. So secure. So comfortable, just lying down there and gazing at the stars. And I remember, I told Li-en, "This is what trusting in God is like.. you're scared, but once you take the first step.. it's just so secure.."

And that's true.. You might have your previous hurts, your previous scars, your psychological barriers. But once you've decided to just take the plunge..and let go of your defence mechanisms and just fall back into God's hands.. that's when you'll be the safest and most secure and most loved.

Thank You!!!

Yup, I went for the Watch Night service. Hehe. Not "night watch" as I mistakenly called it.

Thank You Lord, for bringing me to You in the past year. It was the best decision I ever made and I think it'll be the best I ever ever make.

I really want to dedicate this whole year (and the years after that, and after THAT) to You. There may be points in time when I, just like a spoilt child, become angry with You for not giving me the things I want. But through it all, I pray that I always always look to You.

People who read this, please do remind me of this New Year's (and New Life's) resolution. Thanks! =)

Happy new year to everyone and many blessings ahead to you guys!!!!!!

Love
Kailuo

This is killing me...

.... ever had that hateful experience whereby a song keeps getting stuck in your head, and you can't seem to get it out of your system?

Yup, I'm experiencing it now..

"And in Your Holiness I find redemption's song/
In Your Majesty I find where I belong..."

HOSANNNAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

That's about all I know of this song.. and I really wanna find out more. Why isn't google revealing more results??? Grrr... this is really really killing me man. =/ Haha..

Am wondering if I should go for the watchnight service later.. so far everyone I've asked is not going. Or should I NOT go, and rest at home? Logically speaking, of course, if everyone were like me and asked around and found out that everyone else is NOT going, and hence chose NOT to go, that would be a disaster for church attendance... Hmmmm..

Sometimes my rational mind kills me too.

KL

We are all pilgrims that need Grace.

I wish METAmorphosis camp could have gone on for a longer time!!!

I learnt so much from META. Not only the theological part (about apologetics) which, it is true, as Lindy's pointed out, we could have read up ourselves (but still, the discussion part was interesting), but also about how God's been moving and working in the lives of people, from the nightly rallies (which, FINE, I fell asleep in......), and most of all, how inadequate I am, and how much we all need God's grace and strength to function. I was discouraged by some stuff, encouraged by most, enjoyed the fellowship tremendously, and most of all, God's presence was with us.

Here're the highlights:

Games: Well, originally, I'd been assigned a (to me) B-O-R-I-N-G game during the dry run that took place the previous week. And by BORING, I mean seriously boring. Even I, the stations master, would not have enjoyed it. Of course, the previous Kailuo would have started arguing, but this time round, I decided to just let God take charge of it, and rejoice in the blessings and joys I already had.

But Halleluja! On the day of the games itself, Tuesday, our Games I/C came up to me and told me that I would be now a station master at the Obstacle Course. Hiakz hiakz! The one that I'd most coveted.. mostly cos it would be fun and I would get to sabo my friends. Well, fun for me, and for anyone who likes to slide through his/her tummy along a soy-sauce/flour/detergent covered mat, dunk his/her head into a basin of water to take a bite of a bobbing apple, and THEN still search orally for a minuscule piece of chocolate in a plate of flour... Hiakz. All the while getting doused with more flour and soy-sauce by the ever-so-humane station masters. I managed to get Hansel, Darryl and Li-en and Juliana and Sijie and Corinne all seriously dirty.. even more dirty than they had been.. and was awaiting Lindy and Chris and Rimtimtim snarkily.. but alas! Fate was not on my side, but theirs..Haha. Although I did hear that Lindy got dirtied by Li-en and Hansel. Good kiddoes. ;)

But there was something I learnt too. Well maybe it did not pertain to me on that day. But looking back, I think God was really telling all of us, especially the Games I/C, to not rely so much on our own strengths and human-made plans, by making it rain so much that day. So much so that our games was about the only one that was held out of doors (because of some mis-communications). I mean.. when people fall ill, or there's a lack of resources, or some other logistical problems, there always seem to be a solution that we can all solve ourselves. However, it's when God really wants to humble us that He shows us that truly, man-made plans do not mean anything. I thank Him too, that our I/C is humble enough, and has learnt her lesson too.. she emailed all of us today to apologise. Selina, you rawwwwwkkkkk!!!! =)

What else... well, during the theological equipment class, of course the discussion and class interaction about apologetics was interesting. But I also realized something.. quite unsavoury about myself. Being the Philosophy-trained student that I am, I'm interested in seeking out flaws in arguments and trying to debate. But what does that really achieve? It's a way of undermining others, and isn't edifying at all.. I was reading yesterday in Ephesian 4: 29 - "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up... that it may give grace to those who hear." Well - I realized that, on the first day at least, when I did speak up in class to pinpoint some flaws or to question some arguments, it had been done out of pride. Because I liked to hear myself talk, and because I liked to tear down an argument to prove my own human "intelligence".

Of course I'm not saying it's wrong to question, and doubt... cos Christianity's a rational faith and it will withstand centuries of whatever doubt people throw at it. It's just that my motivation was all wrong.. even if the teacher had been blatantly wrong, what I could have done would have been to speak out of a motive to encourage him; instead, I was frankly just trying to tear down his argument to make myself feel good.

And I know that's something I've gotta ask the Holy Spirit to help me with.. I never knew that I needed to grapple with pride too. But I've also realized how many blessings I've been showered with. Even from young, I never really needed to work hard at anything.. to make it seem pass-ably good, at least. Now that's not a prideful statement.. really, it's something I'm now ashamed of, cos all these human qualities, which seem good in the worldly sense, do not contribute to actual success. What God wants isn't your intelligence or your artistic talent or whatsoever.. it's your humility, your weaknesses, your broken-ness. And yup, I really thank Him for showing me.. now to ask Him to CHANGE ME! =)

What else, what else.. admittedly I did fall asleep during the first two days of the nightly conferences.. but truly, I did learn something from them too. All right, maybe from secondary sources (who HAD been awake, haha..).. but I now do grasp the meaning of Grace, and of how much we all need Grace, and of how nothing we can do or say will make God love us more. The second night's conference about anger shocked me too.. I saw someone who I'd thought was not angry at all go up to the altar call.. my heart just sank and I stood there, and tears started coming to my eyes and streaming down my face, as I recalled the number of times I could have hurt this person, made this person angry.. and I really prayed that God would heal him. Well.. after a late-night talk with him, I realized that it wasn't a very deep, traumatic wound that'd made him angry.. Oh-kayyyyy... but oh wells, still good to realize your concern for a friend.

What else, what else.. oh yup, the last night was great. Lindy and Li-en and I'd gone around on Thursday, chanting "Tonight's the night!!!" to whoever cared to listen... and it was true, that night was the night we all stayed awake!! Haha. After CG sharing had ended at around 3am (well mine hadn't, but I still played my CG out to go sup with the gang), 14 of us piled into 2 cars, NINE of us in Dillon's (with Li-en and I in the boot, screaming and laughing hysterically each time we came to a hump or a turn), and proceeded to West Coast Mac's. Well it was great.. a few of climbed the Spiderweb and it was such an adrenaline-pumping experience - for me at least - to convert my initial hyperness into a mixture of escalating anxiety and sense of fun, as I did something I'd never done in my life. I ended up stranded at virtually every knot of the Spiderweb, gazing down at the sand in panic.. somehow it seemed 10 metres away from the ground.

Now for those who know me, I'm scared of heights. I admit, I'll go onto a ferris wheel but end up clinging hold of the side of the gondola, shaking badly. It's not like that for rollercoasters or even for reverse bungee (which I've never tried) at all.. it's just that, if I have to linger long at the top of something, I start really fearing. Well, it was a humbling experience indeed for me, as I looked down and realized just how fear incapitates one. But I really do thank Li-en especially, for her calls of encouragement and attempts to teach me, as she herself scaled the Web in virtually 10 seconds flat. =) Thanks girl!!!!

The two of us stayed on the Web and lay down and looked at the cloudy night and talked..just shared.. about stuff that maybe we'd never have shared, if not for that night. *grins* I really thought it was great fellowship time. And my time with Lindy too was wonderful. After our 4.30am brekkie of MacDonald's Breakfasts, we went back to PGP, and as Li-en conked out, Lindy and I decided to just.. sit and talk. And it was great too...uhm, again, sharing stuff that was really personal. But I do want to thank both of you wonderful people!!!! I love you girls, and am so glad that exams and META's drawn us closer...am so looking forward to next semester!!!!

Other than that.. yup, I'd just like to mention how encouraged I was by one of my group mates. He was born disabled and can't really walk well. In fact, he needs a crutch to walk, and even then, it's heart-breaking to see how tough it is for him, physically. Well, I do think that God's really worked through and in him.. to give him such a beautiful spirit of patience. It was heartening to see how he never complained at all, despite every step being a challenge for him, and the never-ending stairs we seemed to have to climb..not to mention, the long journey we had to take to Tampines (from the WEST!!!!!) on Wednesday, and the few times he fell down on the ground, lacking strength. In fact, I really do think I can see Christ in this particular person, even as he suffers silently and patiently.

I wonder.. how I would turn out.. if I had been born with a physical disability too. It would definitely be a challenge to love God.. it'd be much easier to turn away from Him, and to blame Him for the shortcomings and difficulties that disabled folks have to face in life, more so than maybe "normal" people. It would be much easier to react in a bitter way and spiral into a mess of self-pity.

But no, this group member's not like that at all.. in fact, he loves God and really trusts in Him. And that's just so wonderful to see..and inspiring too.

All in all, META's been great.. a great time of fellowship with friends and others I'd just gotten to know, of worshiping Him and just forgetting about the voices around me and my own (which is pretty hard to do, but I really pray that one day I'll learn to worship in humility).. and mostly, of learning some stuff about God and about myself, and of un-learning some other stuff. For it says in Eph 4:22-24 "... to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life.. and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness".

I thank You, God, for showing me just how human I am.. just how much I need You in everything.

Love
Kailuo