Nightmare..
Yea, I don't know why, but I seem to have more dreams than the average person - like, once almost every night. And nightmares feature a lot in my dreamworld.
I was napping just now in the afternoon when I had a nightmare. I dreamt that not only had I lost my sight, my hearing, and my voice - but that someone very important to me had rejected who I was, what I stood for. Gosh. Didn't wake up in tears (that is reserved for those dead-in-the-night-kinda-nightmares) but when I woke up, there was a great, searing sense of loss in my heart.
I wanted to mourn. So badly. Even though it was imaginery.
Then I remembered - what I had decided to do this morning. To give it up, to surrender this huge chunk of my life (well, entire life, but I meant the huge chunk that had remained unsurrendered) to someone who would know best, much better than I - God. And I remember I told Him - "Break me, make me anguish, the pain might be searing - but please, just help me along the way."
So. Yup. This afternoon's nightmare was, I can say, maybe just a prelude to how I might feel when things get going, as God wants them to get going. Goodie. I feel like a masochist, but all I can say is - Help me, O Lord; Let me depend fully on You. I will fix my eyes not on things of the world, but solely on You.
I was napping just now in the afternoon when I had a nightmare. I dreamt that not only had I lost my sight, my hearing, and my voice - but that someone very important to me had rejected who I was, what I stood for. Gosh. Didn't wake up in tears (that is reserved for those dead-in-the-night-kinda-nightmares) but when I woke up, there was a great, searing sense of loss in my heart.
I wanted to mourn. So badly. Even though it was imaginery.
Then I remembered - what I had decided to do this morning. To give it up, to surrender this huge chunk of my life (well, entire life, but I meant the huge chunk that had remained unsurrendered) to someone who would know best, much better than I - God. And I remember I told Him - "Break me, make me anguish, the pain might be searing - but please, just help me along the way."
So. Yup. This afternoon's nightmare was, I can say, maybe just a prelude to how I might feel when things get going, as God wants them to get going. Goodie. I feel like a masochist, but all I can say is - Help me, O Lord; Let me depend fully on You. I will fix my eyes not on things of the world, but solely on You.
~~~
Argh. But I can't deny there's going to be a living nightmare in store for me next Monday, when the guy I report to at work, BL (ha, I refuse to say boss, cos no one's boss of my life except God) wants me to... *gulp*... scold the workers. Not the office workers, but rather those who come in fresh from the fields....!!!!
I mean. I don't even talk to them, except those few Uncles and Sukumar (who da Bandit persists in mislabelling SAkumar Infuriatin', ha.)!!! And now I have to - specifically single out people, and talk about them - fiercely and strictly - in front of their fellow countrymen??? I don't really know what I'm uncomfy about - certainly not attention per se. But maybe it's just attention from a whole bunch of unfamiliar male eyes. Yikeees!
I seriously hope BL forgets about it.
I mean. I don't even talk to them, except those few Uncles and Sukumar (who da Bandit persists in mislabelling SAkumar Infuriatin', ha.)!!! And now I have to - specifically single out people, and talk about them - fiercely and strictly - in front of their fellow countrymen??? I don't really know what I'm uncomfy about - certainly not attention per se. But maybe it's just attention from a whole bunch of unfamiliar male eyes. Yikeees!
I seriously hope BL forgets about it.
posted by Yellow Garfield at 3:54 PM
2 Comments:
I understand how you feel about dreams KL, coz I dream alot too, and they are always somthign directly related to concerns that I have in my life. Mostly they are nightmares because it is about things that go wrong: worst scenarios manifesting themselves in my unconscious. I wake up feeling either wierded out or horrible. Surrendering has helped for me but I think I have some way to go before I truly understand the true meaning of the word. More about this in person, perhaps, one day over coffee. :)
D
Hey D,
Nice to hear from ya here! :) Yup.. I fink those who have dreams should group together and discuss..cos whenever I talk about my dreams most of my close friends (who don't dream) don't understand! Haha..
Yup! Surrender is a concept I don't fully grasp, but then again, if I could fully grasp it, I wouldn't have anything left over to surrender. Yup. Let's talk about it soonish!
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