To YOU...

.....

Thanks, you! You know who you are!

For listening to me whine about absolutely nothing at all despite being so busy, for laughing even when I tell you crabbily to stop "smirking".. heh. For bearing with me even as I diddle here and there, refusing to face up to reality.. and thanks for praying for (it's not even with) me. <-- I realize I really should have prayed along too.. yup. But really, I thank God for listening to prayers. He is a faithful God.. cos you know what, immediately after the prayer I felt more.. more confident. Like something's really been lifted off my shoulders. Could be imaginery, that's true.. but thanks for, well, just verbalizing it and making me see how I should face reality instead of escaping from it.. Am praying for you too. =)

God is Jehovah Jireh; He provides! He provides most importantly, peace of mind...!!!

My opinions on a few small things..

Just came back from church and like Darryl said, it was sooo good to get back to the routine of having "normal" services, after a few weeks of ... er, combined services and stuff.

Well.

But are services normal? Some are, admittedly.. I go, I sing with all my heart, I listen to the sermon (while playing with the hair of the person in front at the same time, heh).. but there is still something missing. Nothing speaks to your heart. Nothing tells you that you're now undeniably in God's Holy presence; nothing makes you hunger for more of that.

But today's was different. It wasn't.. well, normal. It really spoke to me - I think God not only lifted my spirits, He also caused my heart to plummet to the depths of despair when I realized - sadly, in anguish - that His presence is just not with me. Not all the time. I can read the bible, I can pray, even sing worship songs - but is His presence with me, in me? Sadly, not always.

This realization stayed with me as I felt a pressing need to go up for altar call. Tears really just streamed down my face uncontrollably as I realized how much I'd wronged my God - and how much I need Him.

But you know what? I'm going to really just do that - to pursue His face, relentlessly. No compromises, until I really just see my God and make Him my closest, most intimate friend. Everything else can go away, but I'll be satisfied then, cos I have - Him. You.

Well... other than that... I really want to give several shoutouts -

To Chris, thanks for taking the time to talk to and encourage me yesterday. I really feel more.. er.. encouraged. Yup, definitely. Time to get crankin' and show more love towards others! I feel blessed and thankful that I have you as a CGL. =)

To Da Bandit - it was good spending time with you and Haiena yesterday too, and I ADORE your generosity. Heh-heh. And your love and care for your annoying bratty li'l sis here. Haven't really been talking much with you now... and I'm sorry. Wanna consider coming along to church with me on Sundays? We could bring Haiena out in the early mornings before service...

To my great and mighty Worship I/C - yup, I apologised cos.. well. Cos it was mean to say you didn't look nice (you do today), AND also cos I really shouldn't have said it in front of so many people, in the context of the debrief session. So. Sorry. Yup, really.. sometimes my thoughts run away with me, before I can process them, but maybe it's time to change that.

To Rimtimtim - You know why, it's all written down. =)

The 3 Golden Rules..

LOokie what I found, guys! A cool nifty little "meme" to do for the blog!

The 3 Golden Rules:
1. List ten things you want to say to 10 people but know you never will.(well I might, one day..)
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but leave a name, or at least something I can refer you by.

Heh, just the perfect thing for me to do.. right now before I start on my all night marathon!


1) I have forgiven you, but I haven't forgotten..

2) You have very nice eyes.. nicer than most people think they are. Or maybe it's the expression in them.

3) You are absolutely brilliant in music, given that you don't have much official training. God's really blessed you in this area. But you're gonna have to kill me to have me say that to your face..not that you need me to anyways cos you KNOW it!!! (Ha..this one is quite obvious.)

4) I don't like it when you keep bugging my friend. Especially online. And to tell the truth, you rub me the wrong way oftentimes. But I'm trying to love you... cos Jesus says to. It's just soooo tough.

5) You rock my world! You mean more to me than you think you do! My world's a better place cos of you. =)

6) STOP treating me like that. I love you guys.. but I hate to be treated like I'm a 5 year old. (this one is pretty obvious too.)

7) I treasure the time we have together.

8) Why are you so mean to people? Can't you see it's wrong? I don't know if you're really such a cynic or you're just putting on an act.. but I still love you.

9) STOP giving me so much pressure! You don't say much, but I really wish you would listen to my point of view, and not just put so much emphasis on the "official" stuff. God's designed different pathways for different people so maybe this isn't the only right thing for me at this time! GAHHH! And I hate that you shared everything I've told you with EVERYONE!!!! Can't I get a bit of privacy? The more you push me towards it, the more rebellious I get...!!!!

10) Thanks for everything. You're the best. =) I might tell you everything and how I feel one day.

And here's number 11... cos I just remembered something:

11) I dreamt that I was on a mission trip to LAOS with you today!!!

All righty, anyone who reads this and has a bit of free time on his/her paws, please feel free to do it! If you want you can guess who I am talking about in these comments.. well.. you can ask, but I won't reply. =p

A few things..

*Ahem*, here're a few things, totally random and unrelated from one another, that's true, but that I want you guys to know:

1) The phatbeagle who has been posting surreptitious comments on my blog is not me. I am not such a schizo. Under my superb level of deduction, and because he has not denied it, I am 99.999999% sure that is is my strumming shifu, Mr Joshie Chee.

ADMIT IT, JOSHIE! Or I will drag your name in dirt and mud and plaster it all over the front page of this blog!!! *evil laughter* Heh-heh-heh-heh...

2) I have not brushed my teeth for a looong time (like, a few hours?) and I feel totally gunky. Yucky. Gross. My right canine is hurting, a bit, but I think that's just psycho-somatic.

3) I have just demolished half an entire box of almond chocolates in the past few hours. Gahhh..never again. Never again.

4) Dr Pelczar, my Philosophy of Mind lecturer, he of the short stature and balding head, has been kind enough to inform his dear students that: a) he has posted notes of some lectures, without which we would never be able to tackle the final exam, up online. That works for encouragement. And b) the average grade for his paper was C+ (!!!!!). That works for discouragement. Unfortunately, the former does not neutralise the latter.

5) Wen has just threatened to stuff my hamster Timmie with a firecracker. GAHHHH!!! Call 911!!!!!!

6) Speaking of hamsters - my mum and my dad have different pronunciations for different things which hark back to the root word hamster. For instance, my mum calls someone "Hamster"; there is a total reversal of this phenomenon, on the other hand, with my dad. He calls my hamsters "_ _ _ _ _ _ " <--- This blank being the name of the same certain someone. But don't worry I'm not revealing who. Am not so mean, contrary to popular belief. =)

7) Come, Friday come, Friday come come come... I need to talk to you, you, YOU, if possible!!!

If life is so short...

All right, since it's a ridiculously late (or early?) 2 something in the morning.. I shall turn all emo and start getting all angsty and since I've already come out of the closet about my little secret, I shall.. uhm... satisfy the inner Moffatt-fan in all my readers. (don't bluff, I'm sure all of you have an inner Moffatt-fan peeking out.)

Anyways. Today Delia revealed that she used to like this song. Heh-heh. Yesh, it was one of my favourites too. (well all their songs were my "favourites").

If Life is so Short

Isn't it funny how time seems to slip away so fast
One minute you're happy the other you're sad
But if you give me one more chance
To show my love for you is true
I'll stand by your side
Your whole life through

If life is so short
Why won't you let me love you
Before we run out of time
If love is so strong
Why won't you take a chance
Before our time has gone

Love is a word that explains
How I feel for you
When you're in my arms
All my dreams come true
And when you're not around
You can't hardly see
These tears that I'm crying now
Are for you to be with me

Funny that right now, post-teenage years, I don't really think romantic love is so idealistic. So perfect. People fall in and out of love; no relationship is perfect, and I don't believe there's anyone amongst "happily-married's" who wish that he or she were not married to his/her partner, at least for one second.

Instead, the only one who's really qualified to sing this song is God. Yea! He wants to be with us so much; He wants us to be His friend, His confidante, His good children. He cries along with us when we tear; He is saddened even more when we turn away from Him purposely. He paints the pink glow in the sunset every evening, He makes the edelweiss flowers bloom on the Alps - and all for whom?

For you. Yes, you. However unworthy and unloved you think you are, the Creator of our universe loves you. He wants to pursue you, and He's relentless in his chase. Life is so short - why don't you let Him love you? Why don't you take a chance and find out?

I am a happy plastic person

"Stained Glass Masquerade"
by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

This song speaks to my heart. Alot.

Would you care if you saw who I really am? The terrible person I am inside, that I keep hidden behind my facade? Or would you be disgusted and turn your back and walk away?

I guess I wouldn't know the answer until I tried showing you who I am.

But frankly, I'm scared.. I'm scared of what the answer would be.



Thank God.. I have Jesus in my life. Jesus who is forever here for me.

There is none like You
No one else could touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long and find
There is none like You

Revision

Actually...

Come to think of it, underneath all the sadness I get when I see you down, I'm feeling - really glad for YOU. Happy. Thankful. The gladness is of a much more supreme, much more ethereal level than the sadness.

Cos I cannot, absolutely CANNOT, think of a better thing to rejoice in, then the unsurpassing greatness, the wonder, of trusting only in our Lord and Father.

But still. Learn to take time to sniff the roses and enjoy the simple joy of life, too. That's what God put them in your path for.

Came back from my Philo of Culture paper, felt sooo tired and sleepy. Don't ask me how it went.. hehe. Although I'd love to regale you kiddoes with tales of how many years this single exam took off my life...

Okie check these questions out:

1) Discuss and assess a significant problem that cultural diversity poses to philosophers.
2) Compare and contrast the different ways in which class may be related to culture. Which account do you consider the most illuminating?
3) "Adopting the wrong concept of culture will prevent us from knowing or understanding others' cultures, or even our own." Do you agree????

What the..... I did questions 1 and 3. As for the results.. hmm.

But really, the Grace of God pulled me through the paper!! I didn't totally blank out.. Halleluja.... *whistles, sings, stomps, claps..*









Well, I'm glad I had the phone conversation with a certain person today. Cos I managed to tell her all that I feel and am thinking and praying about, instead of closing myself entirely to her. But still.. I don't get it. There are sooo many ways to serve God. Trust me, doing either of what I'll be doing this holidays would be a BIG BIG BIG faith step.. so sometimes, it's really not what you do. It's how you respond to a situation that would please God.

I don't know. Is she being too.. narrow-minded? Are they all? Or am I not trusting God enough?

When I make my decision, I really want only to have to answer to God, and GOD only. I don't want to be pressured into anything by humans and their expectations.

I don't know.. I don't want to have to do it, either. What to do what to do WHAT TO DO???!???! Arghh.

Pray pray pray PRAY PRAY! Pray more, think less..and sometimes, just do it.





And also. I was feeling sad and glad. Mixed emotions are such funny things. I'm sad that someone is feeling so disappointed with, and despair of, the ways of the world. That's true, so so true. When you look at the human-caused disasters, the closing of so many ears to the truth, the murders, the suicides, the drugs, the disappointments and tears... it's all so sad. And yet I'm so glad, so thankful, that despite all that, Christ still shines through. That this someone knows that God is our source of hope and strength and joy. Always remember that, yup?

But one more thing I was sad about - because you can't seem to be able to see the little joys that God has dotted our world with - the tiny rainbows and sunrises and surprises that come along our way and make us smile.. not too well nor easily, I guess. Can you? I don't mean this in a bad way.. I was just wondering. Is it naturally harder for you to? I'll just have to remind myself of that - that people are all made differently - the next time I am too cheerful and try to force you others to see what I see. Yea, I guess that can be irritating sometimes.. ha-ha.

But anyway, just remember - there are so many things to rejoice in, in the world too. Constantly remind yourself of that, and don't lose hope.. in things of the world. And in those who care, like us.








I was walking in Lover's Park today and spending time with my lover - God, okay? Ha.. and listening to this brought tears to my eyes... cos I realised if I had been the only one on earth.. He would still have died on the cross for me, after doing all these things..

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty...

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again?

Yes Lord.. because.. You are everything.. everything to us.. everything to me. I want to be able to say this, truthfully and honesty: All You are is all I want.

And I'm nothing but alive in Your Hands...
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the BEAUTY of Your Majesty...






And lastly, a big SHOUT-OUT - hey Chris, thanks for the call and the concern you've shown me all the time. =) You're the best cell group leader I've ever had! (okie, ignore the fact that you're the only CGL I've had... DG doesn't count, okay Lindeee dear? Ha-ha.)

In retrospect though..

I really must say...

I have been wrong.

I looked deep within myself and God revealed to me how unlovable and unsavoury my character is. I thought I was worthless. Unloved. Unlovable. I sank into these lies and chose to believe in them - at least for a few days.

And how wrong I was. How terribly wrong.

Not only to believe these lies, but also because - because of all I've put my dear friends through. Oh dear..my dears.. my heart just sinks now cos of all the hurt and pain I've placed on you guys, those who care for me deeply. I'm so so so sorry.. I don't want to be like that. I want to be constant encouragement and source of joy for all of you!

Don't worry, it's "sorry" in a good way, cos I'm really so touched by your love now. =)

One more thing too - I am touched by You, Abba Father. For all the good friends and blessings You've surrounded me with, even during hard times - my family, dogs, and everything else. But Lord - please constantly remind me that You are so much more than just blessings - You are who You are.

And I want to know YOU - for WHO You are. And not only for WHAT You can give.

Although what You have provided me with I really rejoice in, too! With all my heart and soul! =)

THANK YOU GUYS!

Gosh.. Thanks dearies.. you all are sooo sweet! I really thank God for you guys..

So what happened was, Dink, Delia and Hans came over to my house.. to pass me.. TA-DA! A sweet, beautiful note with a cute picture of a praying dog on it, and notes from Lindeeee, Dinkeee, Delia, and Lal!!!! wOw!!! And also... hehe.. PHISH PHOOD ICE CREAM! Thanks Dink dear.. she knew how much I was craving for .. *ahem*.. it.

And best of all.. they prayed for me.

Dear Lord! I am reminded once again of how I must persevere.. persevere.. PERSEVERE! Be relentless in my pursue of You and of my knowledge of You. There MUST be something more than gratefulness..more than wanting to thank You.. in our love for You. LORD! I thank You for being so real, so true, so FAITHFUL!

Ha-ha. I think the three of them got a kick out of seeing Timmie on his watchtower and wobbling and vibrating on the Massage Chair and trying to keep Hai-ena from eating Timmie.

Wash your feet, kiddoes! =)

PS - Lindeee asks me to include this, so I WILL. Apparently, great minds think alike, cos..

I want to -

1) Eat ice cream (only I have a TUB of it in my freezer, she doesn't, nani nani booboo! Hehehehe)
2) Watch 8 Below! (sweet cute Huskies)
3) Watch Ice Age 2!
4) Take guitar course!

Which she wants to do, TOO! All of these! Heh.

Lindeee dear, and Dinkeee dear.. it's great to be back!

So why am I blogging again, instead of studying for my exam (which starts on SAT??? 2 days from now???!!!??) ?

Yesh.

I'll have the world know that my dear MOTHER is watching the TV and distracting me! Ha-ha. It's some disgusting show on some chinese cable channel. Why disgusting? Well, every night some male Taiwanese compere/host dresses up as - 1) The President of Taiwan 2) Some Taiwanese Aborginal Chief and 3) Some chick. Resplendent with makeup and business suit. Disturbing, no? WAIT A TICK - something even MORE disturbing! I realise I had it all wrong, it's not one guy dressed up as all 3 (and more).. it's actually a WHOLE GANG OF GUYS!

ARghhh.

And my mOm would have me blog rather than give up her place in front of the TV to let ME occupy the living room so I can sprawl out and study for my exam?

What is the world coming to? *shakes head*... Ha-ha.

Happy news! Am waiting for Dink to come by with something for me!!! Sooo sweet of her! I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, thanks dear! And it's worth it changing Polo to the back again..hehe.

Tickicty tockety...

...goes the clock.

So why am I still blogging??? Whatever..

Ahh. I just had a sinful dinner of KFC (fried chicken for the oil and the delicious-ness, cheese fries for the chee-sy factor, and Mountain Dew for the caffeine!!!) plus a piece of chocolate cake.

Whatever. I've decided, exam period = get phat period.














And. Get this. My favorite identical twins in the whole world, Bob and Clint Moffatt, formally the drummer and bassist of the now defunct The Moffatts, have come up with a new album! Yes! My little teeny secret has now been revealed - I used to LOVE the MOFFATTS! In fact I still love them. Ha-ha.

Well yesh, yesh, I used to (like all 14 year old girls... right??? RIGHT???? ) dream of getting married to Bob. Robert. Robert Peter Franklin Moffatt. Hmm.. and I justified my collection of The Moffatts CDs and paraphernalia by imagining how I would educate our future children (and they would ALL be boys, cos boys run in THAT family! And if I could I would have wanted identical twins TOO.) about their father's career in his youth...

And when I mean The Moffatts paraphernalia, I seriously mean.. well, okie, not tissue paper used by them, or whatever. But I mean, stuff like.. posters? Check. (Only I never hung them up) CDs? Ha. Check. I had their WHOLE, ENTIRE collection of CD's, from the time they were Country singers in Nashville singing in high squeaky voices about What a wonderful world it would be (yes, they were about 9 or 10, and the looked SERIOUSLY cute) to their last album which I thought was a brilliant imitation of punk rock. Heh-heh. Anyways, self-drawn portraits of all 4 Moffatts? Check. If you ask nicely, I might show them to you, or upload them.

I think I liked them so much cos they are/were sorta cute, and quite good musicians (trust me, now I'm struggling with S-T-R-U-M-M-I-N-G I realise how tough is to actually form a band!!), and most of all - cos they are my age. I sort of grew up with them, and during my tumultous teenage years (everyone has a tumultous teenage era, okieee??) I shared my joys, my craziness, my yearnings, my angst.. with their music. Even now, I, uhm, listen to stuff like Until You Loved Me uhm more than once a week.

Ahhh. Those were the days... I guess the title of this post says it all, huh? I'm reminiscing for lost time.. time lost slacking and wallowing in my thoughts these past few days, when I should have been studying.. and most of all.. I'm reminiscing for those good ole days when everything was fine and dandy, when the only hurt you could feel was when your "best" friend didn't want to friend you anymore and when just listening to the music of The Moffatts and a cuddle with Joko made everything better again...

Thanks guys, you know who you are...

Thanks for the phone conversations. Yup, was good. Realized many things and *smirks* revealed more stuff than I've ever revealed. 'Mm happy? <-- Got this from my sister da Bandit's blog. Cos I thought this " 'Mm " thingy is pretty cute.

Sigh. One thing I must take away from this, if it's the only thing, is this - that I need to press on. And I don't mean in my studies. It's to press on and not let my impatience take over, in this journey to getting to know God. Intimately.

God's not only interested in the destination; He's interested in our journey too.

Tosh and nonsense, I'm so sick of it all.

Most of the time...

Animals are just so much more reliable and lovable than humans. Sad to say.

6am escapades..

Man, I'm sooo tired.

Da Bandit burst into my room this morning and demanded that I wake up. Thank God she did! And thank God for her anal photographic memory and her big heart, heh.

Saved two Golden Retrievers from the dawg pound!

Apparently she had been out jogging at 5am (yes folks, unfortunately the early-bird-syndrome does not run in the family) and was discovered by two cute Goldens waggin their tail. They were LOST.

So she got it into her head to at least shut them into the pen outside Uncle Seah's pet shop and keep 'em there til we could find the owners, or somethin'. I was coerced/dragged into being the companion of the dawggies while she sprinted home and got the bare essentials : A note detailing who had found the dawggies, water, plus some food that we'd stolen from our dogs. PLUS a soup tureen that we had stolen from our parents. Ha-ha.

Anyways, the dogs are soooo sweet! They come and put their head on your lap when they want pats and affection.. and when I left, that was when I really really dreaded their big melting sad eyes. Terry (the skinnier one)'s eyes went downcast and his tail went down although it was still wagging.. it was as though he was saying Oh and I thought at least we'd have you for a longer time ... when I went off to go home.

Anyways. Thank God! I prayed really hard and I'm sure da Bandit did TOO. Thank God for her photographic memory, cos she actually memorised the license number on Terry's tag, and called the PPD (that's Primary Production Department) and she got the contact of the owner and contacted him and all...

So now, home sweet home for the dawggies. All's well that ends well. =)

Sweet. Our own personal Chicken Soup for the Dawg Owner's Soul story.

=(

Frivolous things aside, I really feel torn in two.

Sigh.

About many things.

Decisions, decisions.. Commitments, but then again, who am I responsible to? GOD.

I hate hate HATE getting pushed into something because of other people.





And really when I look within myself I find I'm changing.. maybe it's God changing me.. maybe it's not. But I find myself getting repulsed.. disgusted.. and I just want to draw away from everything and everyone and cry to God.. cry because of my own human flaws and failings and sins and how I've failed so many people...And who else understands me? Who else would listen to me? I'm such a rotten person.. I'm such a fraud and I really don't like many things about myself...and don't worry I'm being completely objective here. Yup.

Gosh. God's really answering my prayers from yesterday. Thank You Lord.

Yea, I think I'm starting to understand how a certain someone feels already.. which is good. Very good. Cos I asked God to give me the wisdom to understand so I can empathize, and with empathy comees help.. and I think He is giving it to me. I rejoice in that..

I rejoice.. yea. But not in myself nor in things surrounding me.

I know I really need to find a firm standing in my security in Christ. And in a sense, I know God loves me, and that I am worthy of His Love. Thank You Father! But - that is because God's love is all-encompassing and because His love is perfect. It can take in even sinners and rejects and outcasts and rotten people..

But my human limitation ends here. My love can't.

Yea I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, don't worry. But just don't worry too much if I don't talk much the next few days, okie? I just need to think and think and think and all.. and pray and pray and pray more..

I still love you guys.

By special request!

Uhm, by the special request of a certain someone who shall remain unnamed (but has been featured several times, unnamed, in this blog.. muahaha).. I shall grit my teeth and put up the photo of my arch-rival, KELLY CHAN.

Terrible. How my heart aches.

I am busy searching for the BEST (read: "BEST" does not denote Miss Universe Standard looks; it just means the picture that will let you readers finally agree that the director of Anna Magdalena was deluded in casting her and not moi, ha-ha) picture of her..

Sadly, I cannot find a KL-standard BEST picture.

Here's what remains:

Feeling soppy...

Shucks.

I caught the last segment of Anna Magdalena on Channel U.

So. Freaking. Romantic.

And that segment had to be that part when Takeshi (TAKESHIIIII!!!! He's mine.. all MINE!!!! Ha-ha.. *fierce eyes*) and Kelly Chan (*sulks*) sit on top of the van, legs dangling mindlessly... and his hand reaches over shyly and took hers... and she gazes back at him with that same meaningful look that say a million words.. no actually, only three small words... and the long green grass of the meadow catch in the wind and the sky is all cloudless and blue... He gazes at her with that tender intense look curiously exclusive only to lovers and he says I have something to say... the expressive-ness of his eyes have long ago let her catch a glimpse into his soul, and she kisses him slowly, tenderly, and says You don't have to say it... I knew it all along.

See, Takeshi is a shy, introverted piano tuner (who cannot play the piano!) who has an all-consuming secret - he loves Kelly! She lives in the apartment on the level above his and tortures the ears of Takeshi's playboy, carefree, ne'er-do-good apartment mate Aaron Kwok with her daily playing of Bach's Minuet in G (Lover's Concerto), which he had written while courting his wife Anna Magdalena (hence the name of the movie). So anyways, she kinda has a secret crush on Aaron, and Takeshi kinda has a secret crush on her.

And he starts writing this love story which stars him and her as orphans abandoned in a church who grow up to be adventurers travelling in a van and singing.. uhm.. love songs to people.

Yes, it's that complicated.

But it's cool, cos only through this story can the audience see into the yearning soul of the shy piano-tuner. Just a sidetrack - given that I only caught one segment of the movie, it's amazing how resourceful I've been in tracking down the storyline and summarizing it for the benefit of my readers, isn't it? If only I did that as easily for my essays.. but yesh. Anyways, back to that scene...

Shucks. And I actually teared. Gahhhh.

Uh, yes. Why am I turning so soppy nowadays???!???! Arghh.

Or maybe I just teared out of RAGE, that someone else was kissing Takeshi. Could be.

TA...KE...Shhhiiiii. Takeshi Kaneshiroooooo... Ha-ha. Yum-my.

Anyways. So this was the song from this silly soppy show that was playing in the background when they kissed (*growl*)...

Lover's Concerto

How gentle is the rain
That falls softly on the meadow,
Birds high up the trees
Serenade the clouds with their melodies

Oh, see there beyond the hill,
The bright colors of the rainbow.
Some magic from above
Made this day for us just to fall in love

Now, I belong to you
From this day until forever,
Just love me tenderly
And I'll give to you every part of me.

Oh, don't ever make me cry
Through long lonely nights without us.
Be always true to me,
Keep this day in your heart eternally.

One day we shall return
To this place upon the meadow.
We'll walk out in the rain,
See the birds above singing once again

Oh, you hold me in your arms,
And say once again you love me,
And if your love is true,
Everything will be just as wonderful.

You'll hold me in your arms,
And say once again you'll love me,
And if your love is true,
Everything will be just as wonderful.

But somehow.. it's not just a silly song. It. Makes. Me. Tear.

And to round up this post, here's something else (besides my brilliant writing, heh) for your enjoyment:








PS. GAHHH. She got to act in Tokyo Raiders, and Lost and Found, and Anna Magdalena, and Lavender with MY boy!!!!! How lucky is that girl??!!!?? =(

Timmie is out of his comfort zone

He's scared and shy and curls up in a corner of his new home licking his front paws morosely.

I think he blames me a tad.

Oh wells. Tomorrow after a good sleep he'll be happy and grateful to moi, his owner.

Heh.

Feeling magnanimous

Yea, I was feeling magnanimous. Plus I felt poor Timmie needed an upgrade, given that he's grown so much during these past few months and that his water bottle is SPOILT. And it leaked and soaked poor Tim and his entire house just now. Poor little boy, he looked so woebegone, sitting there licking his wet fur...

So I just trotted down to the pet shop outside my house and got him a new cage.

Now Timmie has a spacious big cage with: 1) A metal waterbottle that won't spoil; 2) A gigantic wheel; 3) A watchtower (!!!!).

Next: should he have a little companion for a new brother? I was reminded of a VERY strange dream I had this afternoon when I saw the tiny hamster babies outside the pet shop. Uncle Seah at the pet shop is selling miniature Hammies for $15. But I dread what would happen if Timmie fights with Hammie the Second.. and wins.

But anyways. I really have to watch what I spend on. This is going to be the last big purchase in a while.. cos, like I shared with some people, I want to start earning money, at least for what's going to happen later this hols. Yea guys, it's probably going to happen, what I said it would, and what I signed up for, well, probably not. I don't know. Am praying about it but so far it seems to be the latter. And saving money's a form of earning, isn't it?

But cos I was feeling sooo magnanimous... I scattered a double portion of sunflower seeds for Hammie, too. Ha-ha. No one could accuse me of being biased.

Whirl of confusion

That's how I feel.

I need to learn more patience and be less impulsive. To do more of sitting and praying and waiting, instead of just rushing head-on into things that I'm interested in. To be more like a turtle, i.e. slooooow and steady, and less of a hasty hare.

It's going to be so tough. But I'll learn!

Hungry hungry...

There is an empty feeling at the bottom of my tummy..that can only be filled with - WHAT? I don't know, but something substantial, to last me as I attempt to read throughout the night!

And more hungry still, there's an empty feeling at the bottom of my heart and soul for the Spirit of God.. come fill me, once over again! Wash over me and refresh me, O Lord.. I need Your strength, Your might, and most of all, just YOU!





Thank God for the power of imagination.. just now in the car I was really feeling so jittery and restless and unhappy.. with everything.. until Dink, Hans and I started conjuring up the place on earth we'd most like to be.. what we'd be doing.. what it'd look like... who we'd be with.. what the weather would be like...

... and I pictured my beloved Norwegian fjords with the summer sun beating down upon me, lightly toasting my skin, my knees pushing past green fields of grass dotted with fragile white flowers that litter the sky with their subtle fragrance.. around me, in the near horizon, I see snow capped mountains, lightly embracing the cloudless blue sky... below me, below the steep cliffs, I see crystal clear waters of the purest blue. If I squint and peek, I might be able to see a dolphin or two racing past, frolicking and competing in playful jumps..

... and beside me... right now, at this moment.. is you. You weave carefully around the grass and look up at me now and then, tail wagging in anticipation.. You bound around joyfully, but never fail to answer my call..

... and together we're happy.

Ahh.. imagination. Imagination is just the memory of the things that might have been, and might be one day in the future.

Heh-heh..

In a bid to delay the inevitable i.e. starting on the research for my final paper this semester, I shall blog.

About mundane stuff.

I am in the Medicine library now.. my first time here! Yea! Quite refreshing to see how the other half of the school i.e. the chao mugger toad half lives. Heh-heh. But quite ironically, why is it that the Central Library and not the Med Lib or the Science Lib is the one that is packed?

Hmmm..does that mean that.. *gasps*.. Arts people are the chao mugger toads instead? <-- Yea, this is a very teenage-rish phrase, I know, I know.. it used to be "all the rage" during my NJ days.

Speaking of NJ days! I'm sitting here with Edwin Lee beside me! Ha-ha, haven't seen him for so long but he still looks the same! I'm not even talking to him but just sitting next to him brings back memories of the fun times we had disturbing the entire lecture in NJ. Not Edwin, but my JC-best friend Peiwen and I.. heh-heh. In fact we got so loud we were singularly the most notorious coupla girls the lecture had ever seen. They even called us.. *blushes*... can1 ting1 jing1 or "Canteen Spirits" cos our shrieks of laughter were so loud.. uhm...

Okie, maybe not something that should be disclosed so proudly...

I just had a triple layer chicken sandwich, a slice of Ricotta cheesecake, and a gigantic chocolate cookie, and a portion of double expresso..and my stomach still isn't satisfied!! GAHHHH. And right now my leg's bouncing up and down and I can't really look straight cos I think the sugar and the caffeine's in my system getting to my head..and my mind's racing too..not good not good..but yea! At least I made SOME headway in my research! YEA! Thank God!





Oh gosh.. I just reviewed my post..and I realise, I sound like those Youths in church whose blogs I'm forever stalking. Eeeeks.

Stomachache..

Urgh...

I've been having this persistent stomachache for the past coupla days. Not good, not good.

This, plus the fact that I get hungry every so often (like, every two hours or so?) does not a good, healthy girl prognosticate.

Gahhh.

Celebrate the litte things in life!

Yea yea, some people might be of the opinion that Kailuo's entire Sunday has been wasted - not only did I go (30 min!!) late for (2nd!!!) service, I also neglected my schoolwork to sleep and slack.

Well, I don't agree.

If I'd gone for 8.30 service, I would never have had the time to sit down with a nice, heaped bowl of Blueberry Morning cereal, crunchy oats in my mouth and the Sunday Times sprawled all over the table. Yum yum. I wouldn't have had the chance to sit with Karen during service and whisper (sometimes) and laugh. Sometimes I really miss those days when we would talk virtually every few days...

If I hadn't gone for service at all, I wouldn't have had the chance to learn something from God. Thank You, Father! I think He's reminding me, time and time again, of how much I need patience, of all things. Enthusiasm and passion and my usual fast-paced actions are all fine and dandy.. but what matters most is what would matter eternally.

If I'd left for school straight after service, I wouldn't have had the chance to eat and chat and laugh with some fellow ASPC-ians. After all, it's rare that Chris joins us for lunch; I've also not had the chance to eat and talk with Ansen after Bintan.

If I'd gone to school after that to study, I wouldn't have had the chance to be home on a Sunday afternoon for the first time in a long while, and just laze around on my bed and catch the warm, golden rays of the sunshine coming through my bedroom window like a gentle, subtle warm shower.. hmmm. Thank You Lord for the sun and its light! That's definitely one of my favorite things on earth.

If I hadn't fallen asleep, I wouldn't have had the chance to replenish my severe lack of sleep. ARGHHH. What happened to my eyes and nice smooth skin (underneath the eyes only, you understand.)???? If not for the afternoon nap my eyes would have been all puffy and my panda rings - even more panda-ish.

And just now I got to chomp on what used to be one of my favorite treats, smoked salmon sandwich from Delifrance, in a buttery, flakey croissant..hmm.. and I spent a little time playing with my neighbour's dog, Sunshine... (told ya I love the sun..).. and right now I'm catching up on my TV-ing time, and soonish I'll translate into proper English for my cousin some philosophical nonsense by David Hume.. Ha-ha. Oh well, it's not wasted time; I'll get to learn more about Humish philosophy anyways.

And right after that, it's more simple ways to enjoy the night.. (or morning).. I will spend time with God, and reflect upon myself. I will eat choccies and get a sugar high and bounce around the walls. I will poke awake Polo, who's sleeping on the couch now and snoring. I will go around looking for trashy teenage novels (how does Sweet Valley High sound?) and read a handful in one night. I will sit around and play my pathetic repertoir of worship songs on the guitar.

Heh-heh.

Celebrate the simple things!

Chris the Camel..

Haha. Just wanted to include something that Chris said which I thought was super hilarious.

Setting: This afternoon at the 24 hour Hongkong Cafe near Kovan MRT

Chris eyes plates of unfinished food. Asks gamely "Do you still want this?" of at least 3 persons. Finishes their food for them. Still has space in his stomach for half a gigantic portion of red bean ice, and half of the mango ice dessert.

All of us (in awe): Chris!!! How much have you eaten? And (more importantly), where does it all go?

Chris (looks down): Oh.. I have fat feet.

Some smarty pants: So you store food in your feet like a camel lah?

Chris: Oh yea...like a camel.

Heh-heh. Chris the Camel. My dear CGL, he provides us with so much laughter. =)

Shucks!

Why am I getting hungry..extremely hungry now.... Urgh.

*groan*

After demolishing a portion of cheese baked rice (well, almost the whole portion) and about half the gigantic Mango ice...

URGHHH.

Far too long

For far too long I've been contended with standing at the foot of the mountain. Just like the Israelites, I didn't want to, nor did I dare to, draw near the Glory of my God. I am contended with seeing His miracles work, and drawing upon His Goodness and Strength - but I am still afraid of letting go of everything He's done in my life and just drawing near to Him, for His own sake.

This has got to change. I don't want to be Aaron, and see God from afar, and even worship something that is a construct of society; I want to be a Moses, and be able to just talk to God, feel Him in me, and know His wondrous Glory and His Awesomeness.

Lord... please let me encounter You, as You are.. that's what I want.




Myself and a few other ASPC-ians were at the 24 hour Hongkong Cafe near my house. The food was.. well wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good either. The dessert portion was - HUGE! A huge freakin' pile of shaved ice and mango/red bean syrup which even Chris the Camel couldn't finish. Heh-heh. =)

Had a great time laughing and talking, and made loads of noise..

But at the end of it all...when I reflect upon certain stuff.. I feel.. disturbed. I think about my thoughts at certain points in time, and though my behaviour didn't display what I thought, I still think my thoughts were pretty ugly.

And when I asked God to change my thoughts and my heart.. I realized.. sometimes it's not that God doesn't want to change us to become more Christlike. That's what HE wants, more than any other thing! What parent wouldn't be gloriously happy, overjoyed even, to see his child mature and grow into a beautiful character?

The question is more of - do WE allow God to change us? I realized that even though sometimes I keep asking Him to, in actual fact I don't want to let go of my ugly behaviour. Cos I want to complain, even if only to God.. I want to rant and whine and feel the better for it, and more "superior" to whoever I'm ranting and whining about.

Well, this. Has. Gotta. Stop.

Anyways. About other stuff. Which wasn't my fault at all. I don't know why, but sometimes small things just trigger off an outburst from me. This outburst might not be external, and I might not tell people - in fact, most probably I won't.. and that's the scary part. Sometimes I'm scared it'll just overflow in my heart, like pus, and fester the wound.

Urghhh.

But how do I tell? How do I say that I'm feeling hurt?

Sometimes maybe it's better to just close myself up. Stop throwing so much enthusiasm and passion into stuff. Maybe that's a way to avoid feeling such stuff.

Ich wünsche,

...daß du dich anmelden würdest.

Hab seit schon ein Paar Tagen von dir nichts gehört. =(((((

Deshalb hasse ich manchmal Abwechselungen.

Something to live by..and not.

Dance as though no one is watching you

Love as though you have never been hurt before

Sing as though no one can hear you

Live as though heaven is on earth

Yea, sure. Stuff I don't mind doing. Like singing loudly, dancing (somethings...!!!) - people say when I walk I don't walk anyways, I bound around - and LIVING. Living as though every single second were the last.

But - loving as though I've never been hurt before? No way man.. there's too much at risk here.

An evening out.

Just got back from an exciting evening out with my cell group. During which we ate, chatted, told lame jokes, and (I) serenaded our great leader, Chris. =) I took Timmie along and Timmie was sooo cute! He ran on the wheel, and the guys gave him flips and let him enjoy a Viking ride.. and we fed him Shu's cake and watermelon rinds and stuff. He was the substitute for our dear Rimtimtim. Heh. Great cake, Shu!

Seriously.. even though it didn't turn out this way, we badly wanted it to be an evening of appreciation for Chris, and all the hard work he's done for us. He's always been there to point us to God and to shift our focus onto the Word; he's laughed along with us, but he knows when to draw the line too, and take a step back during serious times; he's shown his care and concern for all of us during times of trouble too.

Thanks, CHRIS!!! Hehe. You know why I don't need to know any other CF guys??? Cos I know YOU!!! (Heh-heh).

Sigh. But after all the joviality and stuff.. it's strange. Why do I still feel so... so lost? There's something in my heart that cries out for more .. don't worry, dear readers, it's not a time of spiritual drought for me, cos I can really feel God with and in me this week. It's because of something. I know what. But I'm not sayin'.

I'm not a very.. open person, sad to say. I don't like to share my problems. Or even stuff that makes me feel.. less than happy. Don't worry, I'm not troubled right now.. it's more of... not feeling as happy as I logically should be.

I was convinced that I didn't mind it, but right now maybe it matters more than I thought so.

But yup. I'm ok! Just not as ok as I thought I'd be! Hehe. What a cryptic thing to say.

My first marriage proposal...

As Lindeee says, HOHO! I can imagine all of your eyes opening as wide as saucers as you try to picture the very trangression of someone having the audacity (and bad taste) to propose to me.

NO LA!

Actually, I proposed to someone yesterday! Muahaha.. as for who, that's for me to know and you to find out, if you're so tempted.

Well, what happened was that I sniggered when two of my good friends whined "I want to be a Lan too" upon hearing about the bursary that I was given over the weekend, by the Lan Clan Association.

And my first reaction upon hearing that was - "Well, marry me then!" - flippantly.

Hey, _ _ _ _ _ _ , please bear in mind that that is noooooot an actual marriage proposal...!!!!

A Haiena in Singapore..

Lookie, guys! A Hai-ena in Singapore! =)

By the way, he's got another name, which I'm sure my family has forgotten long ago. Meet Mr Nero von JFK! (that's his pedigree name. Heh-heh)

New blog entry alert!!!!

All right, due to popular demand, I shall give myself stress and churn out an entry NOW. (note the time)

I just woke up. Not from a nightmare, exactly. But it was not a good dream.

In my dream, myself and my gang of friends (who remained faceless, but I gather it's the same gang of people I hang around with in the daytime) went hiking, and the only things we had to eat were - potatoes.

Yup. So on the way, we went past this house which had two innocuous, fluffy looking pet dogs staring at us - and a pet worm. Yup. WORM.

It was the size of a python - about 6 feet long - and all curled up. Its head looked like the root end of a turnip, that is, it had a scraggly head, and its end was.. uhm.. rounded. Nice and smooth worm. I wasn't too scared of it, cos it looked and felt like a soft toy.

Anyways, so the owner of the house gave this pet worm to us. I remember thinking it was cute, and stuffed it into my bag.. until some smart aleck turned to me and asked where the potatoes were.

"Uhm.. in my bag?" I ventured. "With the worm.. oh no!"

This dream worm ate potatoes. And given its size, it had easily consumed ALL OUR POTATOES - our only rations!!!!! Its tummy looked like that of a python after it had swallowed an antelope.

When I woke up, we were still debating whether or not to cut it open and retrieve the (as yet) undigested potatoes, or to burn it (uhm, don't ask me why.. but I think the burning part has something to do with the "fragrance of burnt offerings" Pastor Jenni was talking about earlier..)

Anyone care to interpret my dream?

Actually, I think the "eat potatoes" part might have come from the afternoon-long attempts by all of us in the Southern Cross Team (my Mission Team) to joke about having to start talking in Chinese. We were given this package which included a Chinese Bible - the source of much fun as we ribbed Joshua Ho about only being able to "jia kantang"...

Heh-heh.