Far too long

For far too long I've been contended with standing at the foot of the mountain. Just like the Israelites, I didn't want to, nor did I dare to, draw near the Glory of my God. I am contended with seeing His miracles work, and drawing upon His Goodness and Strength - but I am still afraid of letting go of everything He's done in my life and just drawing near to Him, for His own sake.

This has got to change. I don't want to be Aaron, and see God from afar, and even worship something that is a construct of society; I want to be a Moses, and be able to just talk to God, feel Him in me, and know His wondrous Glory and His Awesomeness.

Lord... please let me encounter You, as You are.. that's what I want.




Myself and a few other ASPC-ians were at the 24 hour Hongkong Cafe near my house. The food was.. well wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good either. The dessert portion was - HUGE! A huge freakin' pile of shaved ice and mango/red bean syrup which even Chris the Camel couldn't finish. Heh-heh. =)

Had a great time laughing and talking, and made loads of noise..

But at the end of it all...when I reflect upon certain stuff.. I feel.. disturbed. I think about my thoughts at certain points in time, and though my behaviour didn't display what I thought, I still think my thoughts were pretty ugly.

And when I asked God to change my thoughts and my heart.. I realized.. sometimes it's not that God doesn't want to change us to become more Christlike. That's what HE wants, more than any other thing! What parent wouldn't be gloriously happy, overjoyed even, to see his child mature and grow into a beautiful character?

The question is more of - do WE allow God to change us? I realized that even though sometimes I keep asking Him to, in actual fact I don't want to let go of my ugly behaviour. Cos I want to complain, even if only to God.. I want to rant and whine and feel the better for it, and more "superior" to whoever I'm ranting and whining about.

Well, this. Has. Gotta. Stop.

Anyways. About other stuff. Which wasn't my fault at all. I don't know why, but sometimes small things just trigger off an outburst from me. This outburst might not be external, and I might not tell people - in fact, most probably I won't.. and that's the scary part. Sometimes I'm scared it'll just overflow in my heart, like pus, and fester the wound.

Urghhh.

But how do I tell? How do I say that I'm feeling hurt?

Sometimes maybe it's better to just close myself up. Stop throwing so much enthusiasm and passion into stuff. Maybe that's a way to avoid feeling such stuff.