My dearest girl ... I'm really. Terribly - well, not only sorry. Cos being only sorry is a negative thing. But I'm definitely going to change, with God's help. Be transformed.

Well, we still have one more year (plus more later after that!) to work on this.. haha.

And like I said - I'm really glad for the truth. It might hurt, but you know - only the truth can set us free. =) And so, I thank you for the truth. You might think it's trivial, but to me it means a whole lot.

I had the privilege and honour to serve God today by backing our dear Mr Kwang up on vocals.

Hehe, technically, everything could have been great - if not for the fact that during the first song, Darryl, Tim Ng and I just stared at one another speechlessly (of course lah, how to hurry one another into the mike?). None of us came in when we were supposed to. Darryl stared at me hard, I stared back at him and frowned, and then he just closed his eyes. Bummer, I thought.

Oh wells. When I brought it up to him later on, Darryl mentioned something that is so absolutely right - he said that he'd just closed his eyes, to concentrate on worshiping God. And that there was no point in fretting.

Absolutely - right. Makes one wonder once over again, where the real point in worship is - it's all about You, Lord, and not about us. For if there is no God, there would be no worship.

So I'll make it my prayer that God increases my passion for worshiping Him and Him only - nothing else matters, nothing else should matter - and at the same time, include the familiar prayer - for Him to increase, and for me to decrease.

Nightmare..

Yea, I don't know why, but I seem to have more dreams than the average person - like, once almost every night. And nightmares feature a lot in my dreamworld.

I was napping just now in the afternoon when I had a nightmare. I dreamt that not only had I lost my sight, my hearing, and my voice - but that someone very important to me had rejected who I was, what I stood for. Gosh. Didn't wake up in tears (that is reserved for those dead-in-the-night-kinda-nightmares) but when I woke up, there was a great, searing sense of loss in my heart.

I wanted to mourn. So badly. Even though it was imaginery.

Then I remembered - what I had decided to do this morning. To give it up, to surrender this huge chunk of my life (well, entire life, but I meant the huge chunk that had remained unsurrendered) to someone who would know best, much better than I - God. And I remember I told Him - "Break me, make me anguish, the pain might be searing - but please, just help me along the way."

So. Yup. This afternoon's nightmare was, I can say, maybe just a prelude to how I might feel when things get going, as God wants them to get going. Goodie. I feel like a masochist, but all I can say is - Help me, O Lord; Let me depend fully on You. I will fix my eyes not on things of the world, but solely on You.

~~~

Argh. But I can't deny there's going to be a living nightmare in store for me next Monday, when the guy I report to at work, BL (ha, I refuse to say boss, cos no one's boss of my life except God) wants me to... *gulp*... scold the workers. Not the office workers, but rather those who come in fresh from the fields....!!!!

I mean. I don't even talk to them, except those few Uncles and Sukumar (who da Bandit persists in mislabelling SAkumar Infuriatin', ha.)!!! And now I have to - specifically single out people, and talk about them - fiercely and strictly - in front of their fellow countrymen??? I don't really know what I'm uncomfy about - certainly not attention per se. But maybe it's just attention from a whole bunch of unfamiliar male eyes. Yikeees!

I seriously hope BL forgets about it.

Whatever you do, do it with respect to the other party.

Try to do it with a smile. At the very least, do it with a please and a thank you. And please, please, please - don't yell. It doesn't bring out your good side.

Little Johnny and little Chan at work don't seem to have learnt their manners at their mothers' laps yet. =(

I'm so so so saddened and angered at how they treat VL like DIRT.

When I got home yesterday from sending some people off at the airport, my whole mind was - full of guilt.

I'm sorry I behaved the way I did, in the evening. Not at the airport, but beforehand. Yup.. looking back, I really was too selfish and self centred. Not even giving others a chance.

Yup, I'm not apologising to them, cos I reckon only one of the entire team reads the blog. (hehe, and I talked enough to him.) The person that I sinned most against was God.

It cut me, really deep, to the quick. Didn't feel very good. Why O WHY am I such a horrible person?

But luckily I was dead tired and drifted off to sleep like a log...

Man, I'm angry with the way VL and the other office boy, MH, are treated.

People talk to them without prefixing their requests with a please, or even their names. Gosh. It's just "Hand me the ...." or "Go and fetch the..."

Of course, no one dares to touch me, the office gal. Muahahaha. If they dared to speak to me like that, I would - uhm - I would.. okie, fine, submit. But not without givin' 'em a big eyed innocent teary glance out of puppy dog eyes.

But still.

I'm angry on their behalf! I think it's cos they're foreigners and not Singaporeans who earn more than $1000 a month!

Schaffe in mir, Gott, ein reines Herz, und gib mir einen neuen, beständigen Geist....



Die Opfer, die Gott gefallen, sind ein geängsteter Geist, ein geängstetes, zerschlagenes Herz wirst Du, Gott, nicht verachten.

Haha, da Bandit and I are smart.

We bought some Timtam choccy biscuits into the office, and passed 'em to VL. For safe-keeping. Cos we know how strict he can get, and how he won't give in to our after-meals-chocolate-biscuit cravings - at least, not until we've given him the puppy dog eyes and please please pretty please at least three times.

But of course, we're smarter. Cos we gave him one pack for safe-keeping, and another pack we kept stashed away in da Bandit's drawer itself. Heh-heh.

But today, when I was munchin' on one biscuit from our stash and offering another one to VL, I got a mini lecture from him. See? See how strict he is.

VL: See la, buy already, dangerous ah. (Yes, he speaks the most fluent Singlish.)
KL: *sheepishly*... uhm...

Later...

VL: Why don't you buy the sour ones? (He means sour plums)
KL: Well..I need both...sweet and sours...
VL: Yea, but must cut down on sugars, you know...
KL: *tunes out*

Hahaha. He's funny. Talking about the pot calling the kettle black! He gulps down, like, 6 or 7 coffees a day!

Anyways, VL's an office boy who does stuff like answering phones (Alex-neh! The phone!), filing stuff, entering data, and buying the coffee. I think he's glad there's someone in the office hierarchy even lower down than him, i.e. da Beagle.

Thanks to the two I talked to yesterday.

Helped me re-adjust my focus, once again. Still. I sometimes really wonder when the joy will come back again.

Yup. But I must not be so emotionally-motivated. *laugh*






I'll really miss both of you guys, come to think of it.

In which I admit two interesting things...

So.

Other than hard-to-charm and grumpy ole uncles on the island, there are, of course, young men. And I am "in charge" of the time sheets and daily attendance of, uhm, at least 30 of these young men. Heh-heh.

These young men are mostly construction workers - yes, those who wake up at the unearthly hour of 5am each day so they can reach the island at 7, go on site and work and sweat all day, and then have to wait in a queue til all the Shell employees and the ladies on the island get onto the ferry, and then only are entitled to get onto the crowded ferry, just so they can go home and sleep at 9pm so they can get up at 5am the next day again.. okie, you get the picture.

There are two things to admit here.

Firstly - that up til last week, when I started working on Bukom island, I never really thought of these workers as people. Yes, they were people, all right, living human beings, blah blah blah.. but to me, sadly, they were just not individuals. Mostly when I saw them, if I saw 'em at all, they were the "illegal ones who live next door and cook curry" (yesh, trust me, there have been instances whereby the police had to come and arrest some illegal workers living in our vicinity..hoho. Made for a night of above-average excitement.), or those masses of.. uhm.. tan colours, who congregate in Little India or Farrer Park and walk hand in hand on Sundays.. or at the very most, those who pass by our cars, sitted on the backs of trucks and looking woodenly at the city called Singapore...

Well. I'm so glad I got this chance to work on the island and interact with some of these workers. Now they're no longer "those people" - they have names - and believe me, some of those names return to haunt me at night in my nightmares. I'm not kidding - yesterday, I had some nightmare about missing out the name of Ramalingan (who is a real person) on the daily attendance sheet. They have genuine smiles and grins which they flash shyly at me, when I greet them. They take coffee breaks and catch the chicken pox, just like I did. They are real human beings - with all the bad handwriting, spelling mistakes, chilli-eatin' tendencies, and desires to take naps during lunch hours, that I possess.

I've been interacting more and more with more of them, and each and every day I catch myself wondering - just how many of them are Christians? Or have even heard of Christ? It just brings to my mind the urgency and actual purpose of evangelism - which isn't to propel oneself into a "superior" position and loftily proclaim that no one else is as exalted unless he/she/it believes in God - it's really, actually, just to tell the world, tell those who too are humans and suffer and have weaknesses that Christians too are weak - but that we have the best news in the world.

Still. I wonder if I have the courage to evangelise to any one of the workers. Hmm.. I could try Sukumar, maybe.

Oh, right. The next thing to admit is - hmm. I catch myself having teeny weeny crushes on the workers. Hehe. And out of them, I've isolated two nice and cute ones. Sukumar is this young-looking, cute, short Bangladeshi with curly hair and big sparkling black eyes, and a ready smile. He is friendly and looks like he likes to tease.

The other - now. Hehe... He is Chinai, from Myanmar. He's tall, thin, has long flowing hair that he ties back into a ponytail when he plays soccer (yesh, mm, da Bandit has a video clip of him playing soccer! Hiakz. AND he was the striker. AND the best player from his side.), and a gentle, sensitive demeanor. And best of all, he has this mystery about him. My oh my. Makes my sister and I kinda wonder what just lies behind that strong and silent facade. Like she msn-ed me today during work, in the office (yesh, that is our main mode of communication in the office, other than shouting "HEY you idiot" across cubicles) - He looks like he has got a past. A mysterious past. Yummy. Just kinda is fun to conjure up a family torn by war, a lover who betrayed him, and all kinds of things that might have made up his mysterious past. Wait. Maybe Chinai was/still is a peace fighter under the leadership of Aung San Suu Kyi, and his erstwhile capture and torture in jail by the Burmese military dictatorship left him weathered and weary; crushed, but not beaten. Heh.

He doesn't work at the site; instead, cos of some injury (poooooor thing!!!), he gets to carry out the manly, masculine job of... uhm.. cleaning out the office every morning. We don't see him at all in the afternoon, so we sorta suspect he takes the time off to nap. But in anycase, Chinai has it easy.

Man. I wanna be on the road the Mandalay. *laughs*

All righty. But these are just teeny weeny crushes, mind you. I am not about to go all gaga over them, "Mmkay" <---- as my sister says. SOOoooO. Nobody "soooo" me, please. Haha.







Oh wait. My dad just came into my room and told me this totally funny little episode about this afternoon. Which makes me admire this Indian dude in our office even more. Said Indian dude's name is VL, but da Bandit has managed to confuse herself and, for the past three months ever since he joined the company, call him by the entirely different moniker of VJ. All the time. She managed to confuse me too. It wasn't until yesterday (YES!) when we both realised, through different means, that his name was VL. He's always answered, though, to the wrong label, sometimes with a smile, sometimes not.. but we wonder why. Another thing he answers to is the infuriatingly patronising moniker of ah neh. I really think his patience is limitless.

Today's episode showed me how much smarts he has. Da Bandit and I had gone to the canteen for a quickie teabreak. The phone proceeded to ring for da Bandit.

VL: (with a polite and smiley voice) Hello, good afternoon.
Voice on phone: Hi, Xinning please.
VL: Oh.. Xinning is in the meeting room.
Voice: Oh.. then, Kailuo please.
VL: Uh...Kailuo is also in the meeting room.
Voice: OH! Well, could I leave a message? This is their father -
VL: OH! Well, they're actually in the canteen...

Ha! VL is sooo funny and cute. And cooperative, as my dad says. *smirks*

Work's been tiring. I really don't know why, but I keep feeling so darn tired and even exhausted, most days. GAH.

Plus, I do miss my friends.

But I have to admit, there is this certain anti-social tendency within me right now, at this point in time. It doesn't have to do with any of you - it's all my own feelings, and I still don't really know why sometimes I feel like that. But yup.. I do miss you guys, especially when I think of the fun, the laughter, the times we chatted and cried, the times we spent studying or not-studying, the songs, the running around, the guitar-playing, the conversations we have on the way home, all the things that God impressed upon our hearts that we shared..sometimes readily, sometimes not.. and really, I miss you all. Alot. Love you guys. =)

But on the plus side! It's totally been great spending time with da Bandit, seeing where she hangs out during work, travellin' with her, talking to her about this and that.. nope, tis isn't that I learnt a "new dimension of her" or some other cliche.. after all, what new information could you learn about someone you've spent almost your whole life with? It's more like old information has been presented to me, in a new way.. and it seems like we're learning something new about how one another functions, each and every day.. goodie. I love spending time with her, most of the time. Heh.

I think God has also been impressing something upon my heart, and actually I'm pretty awed by it. Although I don't seem so. (I'm a cool gal, haha.) The thing now, more than giving thanks to Him for showing me this - is really also, just to ask to be transformed. Instead of sticking to my old sinful ways. Most of it is private - but I really have to say that three verses have been speaking to me these few days.

John 13:34 - "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another."

Sadly, love for others is something I find - SORELY LACKING - in me! GAHHH. I think that's one of my biggest struggles - to love others. Especially those who are unloved by the world, and whom I find ultra irritating. And believe me, I do find a WHOLE lot of things irritating. I try, really I do. But I can't do it on human strength alone.

But - I have faith that God wouldn't throw something at us that His strength couldn't bring us through. So there. One day I WILL love all human kind, because God says to. And He will help me.


Luke 9:62 - "But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

Yup. I saw this on a friend's blog, and it really spoke to me, then and the next few days when it kept coming back to me. Maybe in the form of a word written by man, maybe from other verses - but essentially, I do know one thing - that God is telling me that, unless I am willing to give up everything in my previous life, to give up everything and just follow Him, I am not fit to be His disciple.

Sigh. This brings much for me to reflect upon. When will I ever do that - to be able to walk on the stormy waves with Jesus, and not look back?


And finally - James 2:24 - "You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith alone."

Many might pounce on this and call it heretic; afterall, isn't it a widely-accepted doctrine that just by believing in Christ, we are saved? We need only believe in Christ, that He is our Lord and Saviour - isn't that true?

Yes, it is - but then again, the verb believe carried with it the meaning of to obey too, as first used in Greek in the New Testament. And thus, to have faith means really, to obey Christ and trust that He is not only our Saviour, who carries us to Salvation, but also our Lord - the Lord of our lives, whom we shall obey! To obey Christ is to do what He calls us to do - and the first, and most important of what He tells us to do, is to love one another.

Only when we love one another can our works truly be for the needs of others and not for ourselves; and only when we truly love God can we claim to love others before self. Sigh. Tough. But - hey - don't lose heart! IT IS DO-ABLE, with God's Help!!!!!!

Important lessons to learn and to reflect on.

Return of the Uncle-killer!!!

Phewwww!!!!

Ever since school closed for the semester and I started working on the island, I've had a secret fear that my uncle-slaying skills have vanished, due to a sad under-utility of them. It didn't help that the drinks stall uncle (or rather, one of the three) in the canteen on Pulau Bukom is a dour, sour old man whom no one has ever gotten a friendly word out of. To top it off, one of the two construction supervisors that I work most closely with, Z, is this guy who.. mumbles. And I mean, mumble. 9 times out of 10 no one understands what he says, and I don't know how anyone understands either. That's something both myself and da Bandit concur on, completely. The other supervisor, G, doesn't mumble and he's quite friendly and smiley to me, but I don't get a lot of time trying to charm him, either, since he's out in the site most of the day.

Hence. The fear that my magic has vanished totally.

A-ha! But just late last week! My fear was assuaged! As I innocently queried the drinks stall uncle on the cost of a cup of Milo, he broke out - most strangely without rhythm or reason - into chuckles. Wrinkles creased his weathered face as his mouth opened to reveal a gormless grin. All right, so maybe you all could say that wasn't counted, cos I hadn't said anything remotely witty or charming even. Maybe he is just mad, I don't know. But that day, he did wave a goodbye to me. HA! So I shall count that as my 0.5th conquest!

Today! I finally understood Z! I was standing around in the area where the construction workers relax during breaks and saw three mangoes on the table. Innocently I queried again: "Are these mangoes or pongpongs?" A-HA! Z, being the plants fanatic that he is, immediately took it upon him to educate this suaku-kia in the important differences between a mango and a kalimansi/guava/etc tree. He gestured for me to follow him and, with conquest already pending in my heart, I triumphantly walked with Z to the back of the area.

There grew a mango tree, a kalimansi tree, chilli padi bushes, mint bushes, ginger, etc etc. I could see the warmth in Z's eyes, and his growing smile, as I listened to his laments about the guava tree that had been cut down, just to make space for this thing, asked him about how to grow a mango tree (not using seeds, but a grafting), boasted about our own kalimansi bushes at home, impressed him with my knowledge of the Malay language (yes, halia is ginger), gamely bit into a piece of mint leaf, and widened my impressed eyes at the number of mangoes brewing for ripeness that he'd stored in his locker. Heehee. Z invited me to bring home as many of the mangoes as I wanted (yes, Z, I'll come look for you when I want mangoes, okie?), and later that afternoon, with a grunt, presented me with some sour plums, gratis. Hehehe. And so, to confirm the kill, yours truly gave him one of the precious Tronky-chocolates I had with me, too.

Hehe... 1.5 uncles down.. now for the next 1000 on the island. Watch this space and be amazed! =p

Anyways. Here're some Uncle-slaying techniques (some would call 'em tactics) for the uninitiated, courtesy of the number 1 Uncle-killer in NUS. MUAHAHA. I wear this label not only with a sense of pride, but also with a tinge of embarrassment. After all, it's not every girl the drinks stall uncle in the Arts canteen asks every single time, "Do you have a boyfriend/Want me to introduce you to ____?" *smirks*

1) Smile. Smile, smile, smile. The wider your smile, THE BETTER.

2) Do not diversify. Be single-minded in your pursue of just which type of Uncles you want to slay. Uncles are mostly divided into two types - those who respond to a cheeky grin and cheeky responses, and those who don't. Typically I go for the former, although sometimes, with a bit of probing and alot of SMILES, the latter do melt, too.

3) Be prepared to spend a bit more than the usual customer/passer-by when you go all out to charm your chosen target. Not only money, in the case of Stall Uncles, but also time. Listen attentively and nod, and say cheeky things, and SMILE. Or GRIN. It's rather the same thing.

4) Be patient. Especially when the Uncles choose to whip out their handphones and proceed to tell you about their life stories. Uncles always have a store of most interesting and intriguing information that it would do everyone well to pay attention to.

5) Note down what special interests/special likes the targeted Uncle has. Does your Uncle like chocolates? When you have an extra bar, present it to him. Smile. Does your Uncle like plants? (see above example) Listen to him talk about them, and smile.

6) Be thick-skinned. Don't be discouraged when during the first few times, the Uncle does not melt at your smile/respond to your cheeky probings. Uncles always want to save "face"; the only difference between Uncles is how much face they all want to save. So just grin, bear any scoldings or even worse, indifferent treatments from the various Uncles, and SMILE. And SMILE even more widely, the next you see 'em, so they won't think you're some petty pesky little gal.

7) And above all - smile, smile and SMILE. Even when you don't understand what the Uncle is talking about. Or rather, especially when you don't understand what he's talking about.

(Uhm.. success isn't really guaranteed for everyone. I'll only say that it works with yours truly. Hehe.)

Feeling like puking..

Nah, I'm not that sick. Yet. Although I've discovered that Darryl Chew's strain of virus has been potent enough to infect a) KL, b) Hans, c) Chong Kiat, and d) Adi (I think). I'm still coughing away and using up enough toilet paper (to blow my nose lah!) to wrap around the Michelin Man. Maybe I'll go see a doctor tomorrow.. maybe. Man, I hate visiting the doctor. But anyways.. I digress.

Lalala..nah, I'm talkin' about feeling like puking.. blood.

You know that Chinese phrase that teenagers like to use, whenever stuff starts to frustrate 'em so much that mere words cannot express what they feel? Yup. "Tu4 xie3" - literally, puke blood.

That extreme frustration was how I felt this morning. It's been a ridiculously long time since I've felt like that (after all, I haven't been a teenager for long, ha-ha).. and seriously, I did not know how I faced Viki this morning. I think it's by God's grace that I actually left Cheshire Home without losing outward control. Inwardly, though, I felt like screaming, both at him and at me.

Sample conversation btw me and Viki today:

KL: So, what are you aiming for for your midyear exam? (which is in barely 1.5 weeks time!!!)
Viki: 50 marks.
KL: Okie, so what're you doing during the week (to practise for your Maths)?
Viki: Uh.. nothing.
KL....
Viki: You know I can't do anything by myself. *looks accusingly at me*
KL: What.. no, no. You can't get 50 marks if you don't practise!
Viki: But I can't practise if I can't remember the concepts!
KL: But you can't remember if you don't practise....!!!!

And so forth and so forth. Until finally:

KL: I think we'd better aim for a more.. realistic mark. Okie?
Viki: *sullenly* Yea what?
KL: *hopes he will say.. 10* How bout....
Viki: 25.
KL: Uh.. okie. 25 marks we shall aim for, then.

That isn't the most frustrating part, the part about him not doing his homework or not wanting to practise Maths during the week. Believe me, of course I know where he's coming from. I used to be like that too, during my wild unruly years. (Ha-ha, when I scored only 2 out of 50 for a test about logarithms....)

It was more his.. attitude, I guess. His defeatist attitude. His attitude that he couldn't do anything if no one sat beside him.

There was more, though. Later on, we started doing.. conversion. Of kilometres into centimetres, and so forth.

KL: So 0.01 KM is the same as 10 M, which is the same as how many CM?
Viki: Uh...
...... After a longish time of gesturing and guessing...
Viki: 1000 CM?
KL: *brightening up* CORRECT! Do you understand?
Viki: .... Uh.. no. How come there's a 1000 here, and a 0.01 there? How can 0.01 become 1000?
KL: .......

Seriously. If you could see the piece of paper I used when I was teaching him. The entire paper was littered with doodled arghhhhs and I can't stand this anymore and HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!

As I was going home, I felt so.. downcast. So frustrated. So - so hopeless. Why am I doing this, again? Someone remind me. Of course, it could be to help Viki; to just help tutor him in Maths and make a mark in his life. But somehow, I don't think my coming down once a week and going through simple concepts is helping him much at all in the short term. Where O WHERE are the results?

I think when I accepted this tutoring job, it wasn't so much to focus on a disadvantaged kid and to help him and his life.. it was more to assuage my own ego, to tell myself (and the world) that - hey! Lan Kailuo is a totally unselfish, civic-minded citizen who is doing her best to be Christ-like and share her blessings. And even uglier: KL likes seeing improvements in people's lives; so much so that she is willing to compromise on their perception of what would benefit them, in order to see results her way. In a sense, what disappoints me about myself is that my brand of paternalism and knowing-what's-best-for-others seems to mirror what the People At the helm of Power feel too.

Yes, after much consideration, sadly I think I've really isolated that that was the main reason I chose to help him. I like to see improvements in people's lives - on my terms, and when I'm the one helping them. My voluntarism isn't that altruistic, after all.

I think.

And I'm wondering now, how I will cope. When I start tutoring - GAHHHH!!! Some of the YM-ers and their friends in MATHS. Well yes, granted they're not disadvantaged kids, like Viki is; but still. What is my motive in doing it? Where does my intention lie?

I know that I need to seek God, seek Him until there is MORE of HIM and much MUCH less of Lan Kailuo in me.. and only then can my intentions in helping people be truly pure and holy. But til then - it's to seek Him, and to depend upon Him, even when I meet frustrations and obstacles along the way.

After their namesakes..

I had a very strange dream yesterday. I dreamt that I'd made a little hamster pouch in which I buttoned Timmie into, everytime I went out. Hmm. Maybe I should start learning how to sew so I can make something like that for church camp...

Anyways. My Timmie is getting longer and skinnier. And Hammie is still as stout and chubby as ever.

Early Christmas present

Righty-o.

So now I'm coughing away (ai si ai si like that, yes), blowing my nose, and generally sounding like a healthy frog croakin' away.. haha.

And I've managed to isolate, scrutinize, and trace the virus all the way back to.. (I think)....

MR DARRYL CHEW!

Ha-ha.. but tis wasn't his fault; just wanted to find something boliao to blog about.

Yesh, I'm workin' on the island now, or rather slackin'. Hehe. HALLELUJA, my sister Da Bandit called up Singtel to threaten them (with I don't know what, imaginery threats?) and made me fax 'em something that vaguely seemed like a threat, and now the password to the office's router has been revealed and I can go online like any normal human being living in the 21st century...ha-ha.

Wells, anyways. The island has got a name, Bukom Island. But I guess I just like to call it "the island" cos it adds a sense of mystery and nonchalence to the whole working there affair. Hiakz.

I like working with my sis, though. Even though she has to wake me up at the unearthly hour of 6.30am (I mean! I've not woken up so early since... since JC!!! GAHHH!), and we have to trudge down with bleary eyes to the MRT station, stand sulkily cos the PAP-supporters in Ponggol and Sengkang have already gotten seats, take a ferry from Harbourfront to Pasir Panjang Terminal (and sometimes, my sister threatens, a cab which I have to pay for if I make us late), and then a 15 minutes ferry ride into the island - it's all worth it.

Why? Well it's not cos of the money, nor cos of the dreary, boring job.. I guess I like it, cos I get to spend time with Da Bandit. And she's cool about it! She brings me around and trots me around to all her supervisor and foremen friends on the island like I'm a prized dawggie. Ha-ha. We get to spend time travellin' together to work and back, and during lunch, and elevenses, and tea breaks too! Haha... We get to play with stray kitties in the canteen together, smile winningly to the Drinks Stall Auntie in hopes that she'll present us with free pieces of Kueh Lapis together, and all... well I don't think (and at least, hope so!) we'll get sick of each other anytime SOON! Cos after all we're SISTERS and we do know what the other's quirks and nuances are like.. so as soon as someone looks liable to explode I think we know enough to back off.

But seriously.. thanks, Bandit, for bearing with Da Beagle's irritatin' questions (Sample question - why does the Auntie in the office have to wear a blue construction suit while still in the office? Answer - because she's COLD! *duh*) Thank you for takin' such good care of me and making sure the construction workers do not make eyes at me. (as though they would, though..haha.) Thank you for wakin' me up so faithfully these few days and the next comin' weeks! GAHHHH! Thank you for buying me stuff like the 'zine and food..and for keepin' me company instead of the oldtimers on the island. Thanks for bearing in mind that you HAVE to punch your card (hiakz) cos your dear sister is now the official timekeeper and ain't standing for no nonsense. And most of all, thanks for spending time with me! Yesh.






Right now I'm sniffin and coughing away. I think it's a combination of not enough sleep (about 3 hours per night for 2 weeks already!!! How DO I cure insomnia?), too much junky food, too much shouting and singing yesterday night at the Crusade Thanksgiving, AND the clincher - (I think) - a sore throat virus from a certain person. But at least this person tried to prevent my sore throat by giving me Strepsils yesterday! Hoho.

Yesterday was great! I hadn't wanted to go and was feeling sickened and tired and grouchy and nervous already after work. I wanted to go home and SLEEP. And SLEEP. But boy, am I glad I went!

I got to -
1) See my good pals! Most of all, the ones I have spent the most time with and who I miss the most this past week of not seeing them - my study kaki's!!!

2) I got to spend time talking with a few people who I haven't interacted with for quite some time.. they are people who are quite special to me too!

3) And most of all.. I thank God for the chance to serve Him by leading (a not so technically perfect, but ah-who-cares) worship yesterday. YEA!

4) And I got to bully my guitar guru during practice by making him play for 3 hours until his fingers are bloody and shredded. Haha, nah I'm kidding.. but seriously, I thank Joshieeeee is great! He's obliging most of the time but knows when to draw the line, and he understands why I don't signal early enough.. hee.

5) I got to burst balloons and run around attacking people with balloons, threatening to burst them!

6) The e-vil Empress K got to *ahem* tyrannize the Kwang Clan of martial artistes. At least that's what Swordsman Foo claims. Well but for that.. I have one, whole more year to do it! Hiakz hiakz hiakz... *evil laughter*

But truly.. God has been good, and that's what the Thanksgiving is really all about. All about thanking God for His goodness, the blessings He has given us, the joys He has showered upon us, the favours He has shown - but more than that, more than anything He has given us, it's really just to thank Him, thank Him for who He is - someone so eternal, so perfect, so kind and loving and gracious. Even when we cannot feel Him, God is there; even when the earth is dark and our thoughts so clouded with darkness that we cannot catch even a glimpse, a peek of the light that is shining from heaven - God is there. He is here, for us and with us.






That being said - it brings to mind one of the people I care most strongly about. Much as I want you to grow and however convinced I am that God is doing all He is doing to you for a purpose, I still cannot help feeling sad when I look at you, talk to you, and find out that you're still .. well, not really ok. Just ok-ok. (Think you know who you are?) But you know what - just hold on to the promise, that one day He will bring you through. Just have patience, and rest assured in Christ - and one day a breakthrough will come. I promise you. God promises you. =)

And as I look back, I realize I really have so much to give thanks for. Not only for the material blessings He's showered me with, all the friends and people who love me so much and who give so much, so freely to me.. I also thank Him for the people whom I can give to! Those that I can share my joy with, whom I can pray for, who I can give something to.

Recently I've started to think that being someone who is an eternal optimist (well save some periods when I can get REALLY down in the dumps) and who is like a gummi bear isn't too great. I mean.. sometimes, people tend not to take me seriously, because I joke and laugh it off. But that isn't true, and it sucks.

But really, I think God is using a few people to reassure me, to reaffirm me that He's made me like that for a purpose. I really appreciate it and feel blessed when someone tells me I just cheered them up with my ridiculous jokes or laughter.. no really, I think I feel more thankful to them than they do me. Yesterday I got a very nice postcard which sort of really spoke to me about this issue. I don't know if you're reading this, but thanks, Kelvin! =) And also, a link someone has sent me recently has also touched me. Thanks girl.. for sending it to me. I really appreciate it and thank you for entrusting me with it. Rest assured.. and I'm praying praying PRAYING for you! Hee... enjoy yourself, okie? (But remember to miss us too!)

I really want to spend time this holidays just seeking You, O Lord.. I don't know how soon You will reveal more of Your wonders to me, but as Bro Henson Lim said during service last Sunday, I just have to - PRESS ON! (actually he said Press in but well I think he has a little tiny problem with his propositions. Haha.)

Yes, so PRESS ON - press on, in searching for intimacy with You, in just seeking You and becoming someone worthy to be called Your friend. Draw near to God and He will draw near to me - AMEN!

The more I determine to love and serve others, the tougher it is to do so. Of course it's a spiritual warfare, and I know I have to overcome the turmoil and emotions that are inside me.

But it's so tough. Either I disappoint others, or (I perceive that) they disappoint me. Of course I'm always so selfish and thinking about how much you've hurt me and stuff like that, and only think about how my words and actions might have hurt, long after I do it. But still. I'm human, after all.

That's no excuse though... I am asking God to show me how to love others while loving less and less of myself (in a GOOD way..) .. but this is just a ranty post, COS I FEEL RANTY TODAY. =(

Darn it, this world and its people are really empty, pale and poor. And I'm one of the people who are so.

The most important thing I need right now - to understand God's GRACE, so I can extend it to others. I think I haven't fully grasped the wonder of His Grace and that's why I'm feeling and thinking the way I do now...

Darn it more, the more I determine to serve and love others, the more I understand of how selfish and self-centred I am. Even in such trivial matters as thinking of how others affect me.

And he put them away. Then he said,
"That is that."
And then he was gone

With the tip of his hat.

You guys might not understand what I mean by that. That's okay, only I need to know. Good old Dr Seuss and his cat in the hat.

Okie I'm not making much sense today.

Man, I've glad I've made the Right Choice.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE! YOU GO, MY MP, MR LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)






Am reading this book about the Holy Spirit and the powers He has to heal, lent to me by the one and only Ian Chen. (He of the impossibly high CAP!!! Let's see it soar even higher on the wings of eagle this semester!!!! =p) I'm supposed to pass it on when I have finished it, and I think I know already who I would like to read it.. but in the meantime I'm slowly savouring each and every morsel of teaching that I'm glimpsing from this book.

I especially find the part in the first chapter (right, I'm only up to the second chapter) - I am, like the author, indeed also a manipulator, a hypocrite. Manytimes I fall into the danger of wanting to show myself as a "good" Christian to the world - but what does God look at? Only at our hearts, and not our performances, not at how powerfully we sing, not at how emotional our prayers sound. He wants to see our heart, the longing to be with Him, the broken-ness when we are without Him...

But you know what? There is absolutely no condemnation in Christ Jesus. He wants us to see our failures, our mistakes, but He also wants us, above all, to see that we are His children - children of the KING! So we shouldn't feel weary about our mistakes - we should lift our chin up and tell the world that, yes, we are weak by ourselves, but boy are we strong when we trust in Him!!!!

I'm so happy right now cos I've received one of the best news that I could have received in the world - my dear friend, I love you so much!!! I'm exhilarated for you..and will pray pray PRAY hard for you!!! =)

Man. I only started livin' today after my paper.

See, before that, the whole day was like a dream - uhm, a nightmare, actually. Not only was I trying desperately to finish readings for a module that I hadn't been attending (most) lectures for, I was also falling asleep half the time.

But by GOD'S GRACE! Thanks guys for praying for me! By His grace I managed to, uhm, find enough stuff to write about.. even though I didn't include much of what I'd read or could have read, I think I still really did the best I could..

Anyways. So I was rushing down to Tani (near church) for this training after my exam ended. I'd thought initially that I could take a cab and that everything would be fine and dandy. But NO! Of course, God had other plans. After trying desperately to flag down cabs for about 20 minutes, I decided, enough is enough, even though I had my Mummy's money I wasn't going to try to look for something to spend it on, and I'd just go and be a good girlie and take bus number 151 and get stuck in the jam...

So off I went, huffing and puffing with frustration. So I was stuck on the stuffy hot bus and feeling more stressed than any of my exams had made me feel. The bus moved REALLY slowly, like a snail.. Ha-ha! Dinkeee, a snail for you to step on! Yea, so there I was, staring out the bus window, glaring at the motorcyclists weaving their way in and out of the traffic like some kinda silverfish.. it didn't help that I saw several cabs along the way which were FREE! As in, free of passengers, not free of charge. Ha-ha. Although maybe that's a good tactic for the next election.

Anyways, I digress. So I was stuck on the bus. And THEN I decided to listen to my ipod - but it chose THAT VERY MOMENT to act up. Like, 3 or 4 times. MAN. I badly wanted to listen to it to soothe my soul and to get some inspiration for the worship on Tuesday - but no. It chose that time to act up. So I slammed it into my bag and ungraciously started to glare around sulking. It didn't help that the bus uncle was speaking in oh-so-loud-a-voice to some foreign passenger who was asking where the old SMU was too... instead of concentrating on drivin -

And then I caught myself. Why was I so frustrated? Why was I so angry? Ah-ha! Cos the spirit of God was not filling me at that point in time.. and neither had I asked Him to! This revelation came like a - well like a revelation. Ha-ha. So I decided to take out my bible and do some good ole readin'.. well lo and behold, reading about the love of Paul for his fellow Christians (and indeed I'm sure he loved non Christians too!) really REALLY REALLY calmed and soothed my angry, anxious heart.. I decided to alight at Bukit Timah and take a cab after that. After waiting just 5 minutes, a MIRACLE! I got a cab!

I think God was trying to tell me something.. trying to teach me something, that is - that sometimes, despite the best laid plans I can't help everything, in fact, anything. That sometimes things just get screwed up despite our every best effort - but during those times, just to ask His Spirit to fill us and to wait and trust that God will take care of everything.

Yea, so anyways, am I glad I went for the training session today. It was so fruitful. Read this reading about friendship and building a community that really spoke to me.

I realised, then - why I am so scared of opening up, or of trusting anyone with my heart. Yup I do have this problem, in case many of you don't know. Ha-ha. Anyways, I realised that - it's because my security in Christ is not absolutely, firmly grounded as of yet. If my security in Christ had been, not only would I always have this eternal source of love and strength that I can keep drawing from, whenever I feel a lack of love for someone, I also would not place so much emphasis on how others might hurt me - cos knowing Christ is all that REALLY matters. And something that Hansel had said a few weeks ago came to my mind ago - is it tough to really get intimate with God, when I don't open my heart to people in the first place? I don't know if that's true, but the reverse definitely is - it's tough to open my heart to people if I'm not intimate with God truly, too..

And this intimacy with God will affect not only friendships, relationships, but everything too - ministry work, EVERYTHING! Man! I'm so looking forward to serving on the worship team and also to other stuff that I've been privileged enough to ask to take on - because now I know my ideas are (thankfully, hopefully!) right!

Anyways. I realised also, how much He's placed in my path, especially as we were sharing prayer requests - just how perfectly everything has worked out. Yup. Won't elaborate here but if you're really kaypoh you could ask! I WILL answer! ;)

I'm determined to really get intimate with my Lord and make the full use of my time during the holidays.. just to really get to know Him, the eternal goal of us all. And I want to love people, just as He first loved us!

I've recently gotten to realize too just how self centred and proud I am.. and how much humility and love I need... how lacking I am, when compared to Christ. But yup! I will draw from God this strength and fullness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Now you see why I said I only started livin' after my exam i.e. after I realized and learnt all these.

Yup. Anyways, Dink, Lindeee, Delia and Hans are over at Charlotte's house now but I NEED TO SLEEP! But I just want you guys to know - that I really am grateful for all your company, encouragement and love this semester! I love you guys! MUAKKKK! Ha-ha... <--- Okie that is a the first and last kiss I will ever give you all so treasure it!

A few random thoughts..

.... If whales die after beaching themselves, not from a lack of oxygen (they're mammals) but from the fact that their enormous size cannot be supported by the air pressure and that their lungs will be crushed - how did the Brontosaurus live?

.... and if whales were transported straight from the ocean to space and orbited the earth in a space shuttle, would that mean they could, technically, live?

.... man, my mum loves to buy the faux Baguettes from Delifrance and munch on them like nobody's business. (Of course, she only eats the crust; leaving the white insides to the poor dawggies.) One day, when I have the money, I'm gonna bring her to Paris, and buy her a loaf of the best Baguette that money could buy, and see her savouring it with a simple spread of pure French butter...yum.

.... and of course, my dad's not gonna miss out on the good stuff. I'll either get him some brand-new sparklin' dental transplants, or I'll bring him to South Africa on a Safari Watch. Whichever he prefers.

.... If you could save the lives of 5 people by killing one person, would you?

.... Polo's sleeping on my mum's bed now; he's sooo gonna get killed when she finds out! (pppssst she's at home too.)

.... I feel sorry for Hammie, who currently is in a flea-bitten (uh I think, he keeps scratching), neurotic state that causes him to binge on sunflower seeds and then exercise frantically on the wheel. I'm gonna spend the holidays taming him, but with a pair of gloves in hand, so he can't bite. Sharrrrooon... you have any idea about how to stop hamsters biting? Heh-heh...

.... Thank God!!!! Thank God for the email I got from a certain someone. It has made me feel more.. free. Liberated, and more convinced that I've done the right thing! Yea! Thank You Lord for paving the path...!!!

The right choice?

Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice, choosing to major in - Philosophy.

*grumble grumble*

All other times of the year I adore learning about causality, about incompatibilism, about Dworkin and his dilemma about autonomy, about how all other disciplines are affected by philosophy... I love seeing how the eyes of other people widen in amazement *smirk* when I tell them I study philosophy... I like being able to engage in meaningful discussions about whether or not the sale of kidneys should be legalized.

But still.

During exam times I really wonder if I've made the right choice or not. Whereas other people seem to be having a breezy time of it - after studying, they at least are guaranteed of getting a B - I seem to hover between either very good or very bad. I don't know, I guess philosophy's like that - either you get it, or you don't.

Sigh. And I'm starting to think that for most of it, I don't.

This sometimes is quite demoralizing. But then I think of how passionate I am about these abstract issues like autonomy and liberty (haha, like some people can testify to) so.. yea, maybe I have made the right choice?

Obedience
is better than Sacrifice
better than Enthusiasm
better than Passion, even.


Something for me
always impulsive,always jumping into things
always passionate
to think about and learn from.

Oh my ears and whiskers, it's too lateeeee!!!!!

For everything.

ARGHHH.