Feeling like puking..
Nah, I'm not that sick. Yet. Although I've discovered that Darryl Chew's strain of virus has been potent enough to infect a) KL, b) Hans, c) Chong Kiat, and d) Adi (I think). I'm still coughing away and using up enough toilet paper (to blow my nose lah!) to wrap around the Michelin Man. Maybe I'll go see a doctor tomorrow.. maybe. Man, I hate visiting the doctor. But anyways.. I digress.
Lalala..nah, I'm talkin' about feeling like puking.. blood.
You know that Chinese phrase that teenagers like to use, whenever stuff starts to frustrate 'em so much that mere words cannot express what they feel? Yup. "Tu4 xie3" - literally, puke blood.
That extreme frustration was how I felt this morning. It's been a ridiculously long time since I've felt like that (after all, I haven't been a teenager for long, ha-ha).. and seriously, I did not know how I faced Viki this morning. I think it's by God's grace that I actually left Cheshire Home without losing outward control. Inwardly, though, I felt like screaming, both at him and at me.
Sample conversation btw me and Viki today:
KL: So, what are you aiming for for your midyear exam? (which is in barely 1.5 weeks time!!!)
Viki: 50 marks.
KL: Okie, so what're you doing during the week (to practise for your Maths)?
Viki: Uh.. nothing.
KL....
Viki: You know I can't do anything by myself. *looks accusingly at me*
KL: What.. no, no. You can't get 50 marks if you don't practise!
Viki: But I can't practise if I can't remember the concepts!
KL: But you can't remember if you don't practise....!!!!
And so forth and so forth. Until finally:
KL: I think we'd better aim for a more.. realistic mark. Okie?
Viki: *sullenly* Yea what?
KL: *hopes he will say.. 10* How bout....
Viki: 25.
KL: Uh.. okie. 25 marks we shall aim for, then.
That isn't the most frustrating part, the part about him not doing his homework or not wanting to practise Maths during the week. Believe me, of course I know where he's coming from. I used to be like that too, during my wild unruly years. (Ha-ha, when I scored only 2 out of 50 for a test about logarithms....)
It was more his.. attitude, I guess. His defeatist attitude. His attitude that he couldn't do anything if no one sat beside him.
There was more, though. Later on, we started doing.. conversion. Of kilometres into centimetres, and so forth.
KL: So 0.01 KM is the same as 10 M, which is the same as how many CM?
Viki: Uh...
...... After a longish time of gesturing and guessing...
Viki: 1000 CM?
KL: *brightening up* CORRECT! Do you understand?
Viki: .... Uh.. no. How come there's a 1000 here, and a 0.01 there? How can 0.01 become 1000?
KL: .......
Seriously. If you could see the piece of paper I used when I was teaching him. The entire paper was littered with doodled arghhhhs and I can't stand this anymore and HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!
As I was going home, I felt so.. downcast. So frustrated. So - so hopeless. Why am I doing this, again? Someone remind me. Of course, it could be to help Viki; to just help tutor him in Maths and make a mark in his life. But somehow, I don't think my coming down once a week and going through simple concepts is helping him much at all in the short term. Where O WHERE are the results?
I think when I accepted this tutoring job, it wasn't so much to focus on a disadvantaged kid and to help him and his life.. it was more to assuage my own ego, to tell myself (and the world) that - hey! Lan Kailuo is a totally unselfish, civic-minded citizen who is doing her best to be Christ-like and share her blessings. And even uglier: KL likes seeing improvements in people's lives; so much so that she is willing to compromise on their perception of what would benefit them, in order to see results her way. In a sense, what disappoints me about myself is that my brand of paternalism and knowing-what's-best-for-others seems to mirror what the People At the helm of Power feel too.
Yes, after much consideration, sadly I think I've really isolated that that was the main reason I chose to help him. I like to see improvements in people's lives - on my terms, and when I'm the one helping them. My voluntarism isn't that altruistic, after all.
I think.
And I'm wondering now, how I will cope. When I start tutoring - GAHHHH!!! Some of the YM-ers and their friends in MATHS. Well yes, granted they're not disadvantaged kids, like Viki is; but still. What is my motive in doing it? Where does my intention lie?
I know that I need to seek God, seek Him until there is MORE of HIM and much MUCH less of Lan Kailuo in me.. and only then can my intentions in helping people be truly pure and holy. But til then - it's to seek Him, and to depend upon Him, even when I meet frustrations and obstacles along the way.
Lalala..nah, I'm talkin' about feeling like puking.. blood.
You know that Chinese phrase that teenagers like to use, whenever stuff starts to frustrate 'em so much that mere words cannot express what they feel? Yup. "Tu4 xie3" - literally, puke blood.
That extreme frustration was how I felt this morning. It's been a ridiculously long time since I've felt like that (after all, I haven't been a teenager for long, ha-ha).. and seriously, I did not know how I faced Viki this morning. I think it's by God's grace that I actually left Cheshire Home without losing outward control. Inwardly, though, I felt like screaming, both at him and at me.
Sample conversation btw me and Viki today:
KL: So, what are you aiming for for your midyear exam? (which is in barely 1.5 weeks time!!!)
Viki: 50 marks.
KL: Okie, so what're you doing during the week (to practise for your Maths)?
Viki: Uh.. nothing.
KL....
Viki: You know I can't do anything by myself. *looks accusingly at me*
KL: What.. no, no. You can't get 50 marks if you don't practise!
Viki: But I can't practise if I can't remember the concepts!
KL: But you can't remember if you don't practise....!!!!
And so forth and so forth. Until finally:
KL: I think we'd better aim for a more.. realistic mark. Okie?
Viki: *sullenly* Yea what?
KL: *hopes he will say.. 10* How bout....
Viki: 25.
KL: Uh.. okie. 25 marks we shall aim for, then.
That isn't the most frustrating part, the part about him not doing his homework or not wanting to practise Maths during the week. Believe me, of course I know where he's coming from. I used to be like that too, during my wild unruly years. (Ha-ha, when I scored only 2 out of 50 for a test about logarithms....)
It was more his.. attitude, I guess. His defeatist attitude. His attitude that he couldn't do anything if no one sat beside him.
There was more, though. Later on, we started doing.. conversion. Of kilometres into centimetres, and so forth.
KL: So 0.01 KM is the same as 10 M, which is the same as how many CM?
Viki: Uh...
...... After a longish time of gesturing and guessing...
Viki: 1000 CM?
KL: *brightening up* CORRECT! Do you understand?
Viki: .... Uh.. no. How come there's a 1000 here, and a 0.01 there? How can 0.01 become 1000?
KL: .......
Seriously. If you could see the piece of paper I used when I was teaching him. The entire paper was littered with doodled arghhhhs and I can't stand this anymore and HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!
As I was going home, I felt so.. downcast. So frustrated. So - so hopeless. Why am I doing this, again? Someone remind me. Of course, it could be to help Viki; to just help tutor him in Maths and make a mark in his life. But somehow, I don't think my coming down once a week and going through simple concepts is helping him much at all in the short term. Where O WHERE are the results?
I think when I accepted this tutoring job, it wasn't so much to focus on a disadvantaged kid and to help him and his life.. it was more to assuage my own ego, to tell myself (and the world) that - hey! Lan Kailuo is a totally unselfish, civic-minded citizen who is doing her best to be Christ-like and share her blessings. And even uglier: KL likes seeing improvements in people's lives; so much so that she is willing to compromise on their perception of what would benefit them, in order to see results her way. In a sense, what disappoints me about myself is that my brand of paternalism and knowing-what's-best-for-others seems to mirror what the People At the helm of Power feel too.
Yes, after much consideration, sadly I think I've really isolated that that was the main reason I chose to help him. I like to see improvements in people's lives - on my terms, and when I'm the one helping them. My voluntarism isn't that altruistic, after all.
I think.
And I'm wondering now, how I will cope. When I start tutoring - GAHHHH!!! Some of the YM-ers and their friends in MATHS. Well yes, granted they're not disadvantaged kids, like Viki is; but still. What is my motive in doing it? Where does my intention lie?
I know that I need to seek God, seek Him until there is MORE of HIM and much MUCH less of Lan Kailuo in me.. and only then can my intentions in helping people be truly pure and holy. But til then - it's to seek Him, and to depend upon Him, even when I meet frustrations and obstacles along the way.
posted by Yellow Garfield at 6:29 PM
1 Comments:
Hey gal, Had this devotion with the youths today on success... jus wanna share it with you.. :)
How do you measure success?
To laugh oftem and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a redeemed social condition, or a job done well;
To know even one othe rlife has brethed becaused you lived - this is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Press on sister! :)
Post a Comment
<< Home