Man. I only started livin' today after my paper.

See, before that, the whole day was like a dream - uhm, a nightmare, actually. Not only was I trying desperately to finish readings for a module that I hadn't been attending (most) lectures for, I was also falling asleep half the time.

But by GOD'S GRACE! Thanks guys for praying for me! By His grace I managed to, uhm, find enough stuff to write about.. even though I didn't include much of what I'd read or could have read, I think I still really did the best I could..

Anyways. So I was rushing down to Tani (near church) for this training after my exam ended. I'd thought initially that I could take a cab and that everything would be fine and dandy. But NO! Of course, God had other plans. After trying desperately to flag down cabs for about 20 minutes, I decided, enough is enough, even though I had my Mummy's money I wasn't going to try to look for something to spend it on, and I'd just go and be a good girlie and take bus number 151 and get stuck in the jam...

So off I went, huffing and puffing with frustration. So I was stuck on the stuffy hot bus and feeling more stressed than any of my exams had made me feel. The bus moved REALLY slowly, like a snail.. Ha-ha! Dinkeee, a snail for you to step on! Yea, so there I was, staring out the bus window, glaring at the motorcyclists weaving their way in and out of the traffic like some kinda silverfish.. it didn't help that I saw several cabs along the way which were FREE! As in, free of passengers, not free of charge. Ha-ha. Although maybe that's a good tactic for the next election.

Anyways, I digress. So I was stuck on the bus. And THEN I decided to listen to my ipod - but it chose THAT VERY MOMENT to act up. Like, 3 or 4 times. MAN. I badly wanted to listen to it to soothe my soul and to get some inspiration for the worship on Tuesday - but no. It chose that time to act up. So I slammed it into my bag and ungraciously started to glare around sulking. It didn't help that the bus uncle was speaking in oh-so-loud-a-voice to some foreign passenger who was asking where the old SMU was too... instead of concentrating on drivin -

And then I caught myself. Why was I so frustrated? Why was I so angry? Ah-ha! Cos the spirit of God was not filling me at that point in time.. and neither had I asked Him to! This revelation came like a - well like a revelation. Ha-ha. So I decided to take out my bible and do some good ole readin'.. well lo and behold, reading about the love of Paul for his fellow Christians (and indeed I'm sure he loved non Christians too!) really REALLY REALLY calmed and soothed my angry, anxious heart.. I decided to alight at Bukit Timah and take a cab after that. After waiting just 5 minutes, a MIRACLE! I got a cab!

I think God was trying to tell me something.. trying to teach me something, that is - that sometimes, despite the best laid plans I can't help everything, in fact, anything. That sometimes things just get screwed up despite our every best effort - but during those times, just to ask His Spirit to fill us and to wait and trust that God will take care of everything.

Yea, so anyways, am I glad I went for the training session today. It was so fruitful. Read this reading about friendship and building a community that really spoke to me.

I realised, then - why I am so scared of opening up, or of trusting anyone with my heart. Yup I do have this problem, in case many of you don't know. Ha-ha. Anyways, I realised that - it's because my security in Christ is not absolutely, firmly grounded as of yet. If my security in Christ had been, not only would I always have this eternal source of love and strength that I can keep drawing from, whenever I feel a lack of love for someone, I also would not place so much emphasis on how others might hurt me - cos knowing Christ is all that REALLY matters. And something that Hansel had said a few weeks ago came to my mind ago - is it tough to really get intimate with God, when I don't open my heart to people in the first place? I don't know if that's true, but the reverse definitely is - it's tough to open my heart to people if I'm not intimate with God truly, too..

And this intimacy with God will affect not only friendships, relationships, but everything too - ministry work, EVERYTHING! Man! I'm so looking forward to serving on the worship team and also to other stuff that I've been privileged enough to ask to take on - because now I know my ideas are (thankfully, hopefully!) right!

Anyways. I realised also, how much He's placed in my path, especially as we were sharing prayer requests - just how perfectly everything has worked out. Yup. Won't elaborate here but if you're really kaypoh you could ask! I WILL answer! ;)

I'm determined to really get intimate with my Lord and make the full use of my time during the holidays.. just to really get to know Him, the eternal goal of us all. And I want to love people, just as He first loved us!

I've recently gotten to realize too just how self centred and proud I am.. and how much humility and love I need... how lacking I am, when compared to Christ. But yup! I will draw from God this strength and fullness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Now you see why I said I only started livin' after my exam i.e. after I realized and learnt all these.

Yup. Anyways, Dink, Lindeee, Delia and Hans are over at Charlotte's house now but I NEED TO SLEEP! But I just want you guys to know - that I really am grateful for all your company, encouragement and love this semester! I love you guys! MUAKKKK! Ha-ha... <--- Okie that is a the first and last kiss I will ever give you all so treasure it!