First post after Meta..

I feel.. terrible. What I did wasn't horribly gory, like murder or something.. but still. I think last night I really just shot my mouth off without thinking again, and didn't let the Holy Spirit take control of me wholly.

I feel like I betrayed a friend.. how could I undermine his confidence like that? Even though it was sort of behind his back.

And right now.. I know that God's forgiven me, and that I should be perfectly secure in that fact. Which I am. It's just that I still fear that the friend himself does not...

URGHHHHH!!!!! *tears hair*

Kailuo

PS Don't worry Li-en and Lindy, I'm not talking about how I insulted H. Haha.

Gummy bears, gummy bears, bouncing everywhere...

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Haha. Makes me feel kinda better, abit. Cos this result is funny, AND quite true.. many people have said that I remind them of either a gummy bear (I wanna be a red one) or TIGGER. Hmm..

But sometimes I wonder.. if it's my gummy bear personality that makes people NOT take me seriously. Not good. Not good at all.

GROW UP, LAN KAILUOOOOO!!!!!!

Then half my problems would be resolved.

Oh, right. The gummy bear wishes to report on her grades...uhm. Well, I didn't do well this semester, but at least it was better than expected! Praise the Lord!!!!! I mean.. it could very easily have swung the other way.. I could very easily have failed, or gotten C-'s or something, for the two philosophy modules that I didn't study for. But nope, by God's grace..yeshhhh!!! I, uhm, did reasonably okay with them.

But I'm fully determined to... really do well next semester. Well, not DO WELL simply..but I really want to work hard. I think for the past one year, I've played so much that I've forgotten sometimes the joy of being well-disciplined, and the sense of accomplishment one gets from doing well... but also, and most importantly, I want to do it - to honour Him! Yes.. everything should be done to honour You, who made us all and gives us any strengths we have.

Love
Gummybear

Jesus loves us so much.

Dear Lord Jesus,

It hit me only right just now - just how much you love us.

I was tossing and turning in bed, trying to take a nap - a heavenly nap that'll let me forget all my sorrows. But somehow, the tears still came. It hurt so bad. I wasn't crying "wah wah wah" like a baby who needs milk, but instead, crying great, big, fat, silent wrenching tears that really came from my heart.

And then I realised - if this is how bad, how hurt, how sorry, how "I-hate-life-and-life-sucks-" I am capable of feeling, when someone I care so much for disappoints me, time and time again - just how terrible do YOU feel, each and every time we do that, Lord Jesus?

Thank You..for loving us so much that not only were You willing to take up the cross and its burden, but also to feel sad each and every time we sin, and most importantly - to forgive us each and every time we hurt You. Thank You, Lord. We're only humans and I must say, each and every time I'm hurt and discouraged, my threshold level for tolerance goes way down, and my distrust goes up a tiny, minute notch. But You, Jesus, will never do that. You will always love and forgive us.

I pray that one day I'll be like You, as much as my human limitations can take me.

But right now, I'm feeling... so... hurt. WHY, Lord, WHY?

Kailuo

WOOHOOHOO!!! My TAIL!!!

Haha..

Today I had so much fun! Just hanging out with Peiwen, Mak, and Mak's sister.. being our infamous NJ trio all over again. (Well Mak was always the reluctant one of the trio). We played tennis, or at least, I ATTEMPTED to, but ended up making them lose goodness-knows-how-many balls. In my enthusiastic attempts to hit the balls, I managed to not only smack them hard, but to hit them.. right OUT of the court. So our workout wasn't only confined to the half-game itself, it also included the walking up to the security guards, cleaners, and the smiling and charming that took place, just so they would return the balls they had picked up from the gardens, the carpacks, the road..everywhere. Haha.

We also bonded alot in our usual way - GOSSIPING! Only I really think we've reformed. Haha! So this time round, it was all nice, "oh, so-and-so-has-gotten-attached (WHY AM I NOT ATTACHED?)" kinda gossip. The best thing about Peiwen and Mak is, we don't have to stay in contact, and yet when we're together again..the dynamics just kick into play. We become best friends all over again, looking for the best ways to pon lectures and trying to matchmake one another, attempting (and failing) to harmonise, and teasing each and every person mercilessly... and yet, I know that if any of us were to get into trouble, there'll always be someone seriouslyl reliable to fall back upon. Thank God for such friends! Friends are the very stitches that make up the fabric of life.. okie, I think I read that somewhere. But too bad, I forgot. So no credit given.

Anyways, I got a TIGGER! Thanks dear Peiwen!!! It was.. really.. just what I wanted. I mean, I didn't KNOW that I wanted it, but when you gave it to me, I immediately thought that it was just what I wanted.. haha. You understand this cryptic comment, don't you? =) Only you would. Yea yea, I think I'm kinda like Tigger too. But hey! Let's be glad.. we're not like EEYORE! Hehe.

All righty. The next few days are gonna be busy. B.U.S.Y! Hehe. So updates should be anticipated only sporadically.

I am sooo looking forward to META next week! And furthermore, I'll bring my laptop - AND my hamsters! So the stinky small room in PGP's gonna be more like home for me.

So long then,
Love
Kailuo

Life would be much simpler if I were to die in the next year.

Nah. I'm not being morbid.

I used to fear death. Alot. Especially when I was young, I hated the thought of dying. I was never sure that there would be an afterlife; sometimes, thoughts of floating, cherubic angels serenading the dead me with harps kinda made me anticipate death, but most of the time, the thought of excruciating pain, (permanent) loss of consciousness, and what-not just terrified me.

Now I know, for sure, that there's an eternal life waiting for me.. a glorious and wonderful one, to boot. So I'm really no longer scared. But I just really think our worldly life would be much simpler if I were to die soon. And if God were to reveal to me when I'll die.

You know what? I would really spend time.. building up my relationships with my parents, and praying for the Holy Spirit to change their hearts. To bring them to Christ.. or at least, to try to sow the roots so that, when I'm gone, they can be brought to accept Jesus. To pray for my sisters - so that they'll bring to realisation what the Spirit's done in their lives. To encourage my loved ones and friends, and to really (try to) be a shining light amidst them. To play more with Shanghai and Polo.. and of course, Timmie and Hansel .. AHAHA, my hamsters, I meant. Gotcha there! Speaking of them, I think they're growing cuter and cuter day by day.. did you know that hamsters sleep on their backs, and twitch their paws, when they dream? Sweet. I used to hate rodents, but seriously, these two are occupying a soft spot in my heart. What more would I do? I'd definitely spend more personal time, getting to know God and His attributes and goodness.. simply just getting to know Him more, before I meet Him. And there's something more that I would certainly do - I would dare to reveal all my true feelings to, uhm, certain people (who shall remain unnamed here).

That's why I say life would be much easier if I were to know that I'll die within the next year. Think about it: how many of us dares to do any of the above in our daily, mundane lives? Even a simple "I love you" or even "Jesus loves you" is so tough to
articulate. What do we fear from the important people in our lives? Rejection? I think that's so wrong.. but sadly, I'm guilty of this fear too.

But see, if we were to know just when our time on earth will come to an end, I'm sure that these pointless fears would just be stripped away.. and the most significant stuff would just jump right to the foremost of our lives. It's only when we live in the shadow of the knowledge of our finitude and our deaths.. that we start REALLY living. That's when we stop sweating the small stuff, and REALLY do what's important to us.

Weird thoughts like that come into my mind now and then, especially when I'm just about to fall asleep. One evening I was just ruminating on the similarities between existentialism and Christianity.. and I came to the conclusion.. hey! These two aren't totally mutually exclusive.. there ARE some spots on which they can agree too. And I'm not really talking about Kierkegaard's brand of theieistic.. (or whatever..) existentialism. I'm sayin', stuff like realising our own finitude and only living after that realisation - that's something any Christian (I think) and Sartre would agree on.

Okie! Enough boring stuff about philosophy. I don't think it's boring, but enough people do! Earlier this evening I was trying to persuade people to take Applied Ethics with me next semester.. okay so far, one person's expressed interest. Haha. Way to go, Rimtimtim!! I really hope you can take it.. it might be more stressful than EL, yesh (a TAD more stressful!) but hey! I'll always help you! But anyways.. yea. I tend to ramble a bit.

Gosh, I'm really looking forward to Christmas! Not only cos.. it's a time to remember the birth of Jesus Christ (although no one really knows when Jesus was born, true!) . But also cos some of my friends, and I, are definitely gonna volunteer at the Cheshire Home for the Disabled on that day! Yeayyy!! That's something I've always wanted to do, especially this Christmas. Even though the idea popped into my head a few weeks ago, I didn't really do anything about it.. laziness, I guess. However, I think God's really prompting me, cos Lindy just asked me yesterday whether I'd be interested.. of course I jumped at her suggestion! =) It's a great chance.. to do something meaningful, and to spread the joy, cheer, and love and happiness that all of us have been blessed with.. to those who have less.

Right now, though, I'm trying to coordinate my friends to visit on Christmas, too. And there're lessons to be learnt in such a simple matter too. Sure, I'm filled with joy when people inform me that they can come. But somehow, even though I really want to respect their opinions, I can't help feeling a sense of disappointment when any of them says no.. I feel disappointed not only on the behalf of the residents, but also because I expected my friends to all have the same enthusiasm as I do.

But I do know I'm wrong.. afterall, not everyone's alike. I need to learn that it's not because people're unkind or unloving that they can't make it. Sometimes they just have no time.. sometimes they're tired (cos they have a WHOLE lotta other things to do!!!)... and sometimes..their interests lie in helping other people, in other ways. Yup. I can't expect everyone else to think like me. I think that's partly my problem too.. when I think like that, I tend to always whine and pester and behave like a spoilt kid in general, just cos I want them to change their thinking.. to become like MINE. That's something I've gotta change too.

All righty! Enough now.. this is my THIRD post today! Haha.. oh well, the excitement of a new blog'll wear off.. in about a few months' time I guess. HAHA! Tata everyone.

Love
Kailuo

Trust in the Lord...

Yesterday I was listening to this online sermon. Forgot who it's by.. only that the speaker has an unbearably nasal Southern accent, hehe. But anyways, thank goodness I didn't forget the content! It was about.. how trusting in the Lord is important. Proverbs 3:5 says - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."

Sometimes when you read the bible (or at least, when I do), everything it says there seems just so simple and do-able. For instance, one of the 10 commandments says "You shall not murder".. and I'm sure that all (or at least, MOST of us! Haha) of us, while reading it, nod our heads in agreement, and never doubt the purity of our hearts in wanting to avoid murder. Afterall, murder's such a.. farfetched thing. You might FEEL like murdering that irritating brat with squeaky shoes who's throwing a tantrum and blocking your way in the neighbourhood Cold Storage, but you wouldn't carry it out - would you? So most of us think that stuff that's written in the bible's easy to follow. And so should trusting in the Lord entirely be followable too - right?

But curiously, strangely, it's not. I seriously don't know why. I mean, logically speaking, I know the Lord is great, and that He has good plans for me, if only I were to trust in Him and His Will. But emotionally, it's really a struggle.. to give up what's precious to me.. and to surrender it to the Lord. Urghhh.. actually, there've seriously been nights, many nights, when I've cried myself to sleep, cos I've kept thinking about this issue and I've always wanted my own way in it.

From young, I've been quite headstrong, and that, coupled with indulgent parents, has just made me a person whose will has not often been thwarted.. at least, in things that matter to me. And seriously, I know that's made me quite spoilt.. and now it's a real challenge, to have to face something that I can't handle, that's out of my puny hands.. and to have to place it all in God's Hands.

Lord... I know You know best, that You will take care of me.. so why's it so tough to let go? I know it's all for my own good.. that it's a growth process.. that most of the time, good things only come when we wait.. yes, yada yada, all these I know, I can memorise by heart.. but emotionally, it's just such a struggle, to have to let go, and to trust in Your Goodness 100%! That's really something I have to work on.. right now I don't really think I'm ready, and that's something I regret and am sorry about. I forsee that I'll still have many chances to cry myself to sleep in front of me.

I really don't know.. when I'll be able to fully follow Your Will..but I pray that it'll be some day soon.

Ok, I'm off for some exercise. Recently I've been subsisting on instant noodles and chocolatey goodness.. not good, not good.

Love
Kailuo

PS Ruth...if you're reading this.. thanks! Haha..

First post...in a very long time.

It's been a looooong time since I last posted something.

Yup, granted, that was on my OLD blog (which has since been deleted, so stop trying to look for it and dig out secrets, any kaypohs out there). Why did I delete it? Let's just say.. that I've really changed since last year.

Or rather, God's and His Holy Spirit've changed me. Because we've got to realise that we can't do anything on our own.. even though from young, we've learnt that our thoughts and emotions belong to us, I've come to realise that there is a Greater Being out there, who knows everything that's on our minds. Nothing can be hidden from Him, and only He can work in us to create changes.

So, I thank You, Lord, for changing me. From the cynical, skeptical, anti-God/Christianity idiot I was last year, whose every post had an aim to ranting at something, to the... person I am now. Yes, I'm still an idiot, I still (OF COURSE!) have my faults.. but the good thing is, You've pointed me towards identifying them, and right now I pray that You can work in me, to produce a daughter that's to Your liking, who will please You.. and whose every act will glorify You. And that's why I named this blog "A passion for Your Name".. cos I want to be reminded of You and of how to honour You, even in the simple act of blogging.

"Consuming fire, fan into flame.. A passion for Your Name.
Spirit of God, won't You fall in this place."

Lord, that is my prayer, now and forever.

Okie, more later, folks!

Love