I am schizo.
Yup.
Today's been like an emotional rollercoaster for me.
Miserable and scared and stressed - because of Polo. And because of my memories. Especially after seeing him almost coma-tose and hearing the news from the vet this afternoon - that he might have inflammation of the hip, OR bone cancer. Even as I peek in at him lying in the backyard, and I pray to God to heal him, I am suddenly pricked by bad memories that I thought I'd repressed, and I find myself praying to God as much for Po as for me - that He won't let me have to go through this again. I'm under so much subconscious psychological stress now because when my eyes see Polo, my mind sees Joko, lying there on that same spot, all over again. I see her losing half her body weight before she died; I see her being forcefed by my father and I, impatiently. I see the stars in the skies and I remember telling God, 3 years ago, that if only He would show me any sign, like a meteor shower, that He would save her life.. then I would believe in Him.
Inspired and encouraged - because of the many people that I saw reading the DVC magazine around. Because of the many, Christians and non Christians, who stepped up to ask me questions as I was distributing the magazines.
Thankful that I have friends - because of my dear girls, Lindeee and Dinkeee - they are the best!!! - and Hans and Chris and Peiyu and others, who didn't laugh at me but instead stopped to ask me how I was and to listen and hug me and let me cry to them. And thanks to Weixin and D and J and people online for their concern! =)
Disappointed. Just because. Disappointed cos there were some who didn't seem to bother. And this disappointment just cuts to the quick. Are you so self-centred? Or do you just not care? Is this problem so trivial to you then? Maybe I tend to place too high an expectation on my friends... it's not so much that I need attention during this tough period of my week - but it'd be good, just to know that people cared. That they had the heart to. As it is, some don't. And this makes me even sadder.
The fact that it's a habit doesn't make it better; in fact it makes it worse, much worse.
Sometimes I do think I expect alot from my friends.. I expect them to show care and love as readily as I do normally, especially to them. (I HOPE!) So is this wrong? Or like I've said before, I feel so unappreciated being your friend.. is it just ME who feels like that? Others certainly seem not to feel so, I guess. They have no reason to, since you show them loads more appreciation! Whereas I seem like just a playtoy there to be teased and made fun of, most of the time.. do you realise half the time you never treat me seriously? Do you know how much it HURTS? AND I bet you haven't even read my essay like I asked you to. And so right now.. I'm feeling frustrated too.
I'm sorry for being so frank. But it's just what I want to say.
What's there to do?
Thankful - that my family seems to be holding up pretty well, and that they aren't too stressed out or worried and aren't shouting at one another. I was so scared that they would start pointing fingers.. stress and worry tends to do that to people. Thankful too - for Hai-ena, for trying to cheer us up and wrinkling up his forehead in that extra sweet way.
I feel so tired. So numb, like all the joy and energy's been sucked out of me. I just want to sleep. And wake up, but maybe sometime in the past and not the future.
Today's been like an emotional rollercoaster for me.
Miserable and scared and stressed - because of Polo. And because of my memories. Especially after seeing him almost coma-tose and hearing the news from the vet this afternoon - that he might have inflammation of the hip, OR bone cancer. Even as I peek in at him lying in the backyard, and I pray to God to heal him, I am suddenly pricked by bad memories that I thought I'd repressed, and I find myself praying to God as much for Po as for me - that He won't let me have to go through this again. I'm under so much subconscious psychological stress now because when my eyes see Polo, my mind sees Joko, lying there on that same spot, all over again. I see her losing half her body weight before she died; I see her being forcefed by my father and I, impatiently. I see the stars in the skies and I remember telling God, 3 years ago, that if only He would show me any sign, like a meteor shower, that He would save her life.. then I would believe in Him.
Inspired and encouraged - because of the many people that I saw reading the DVC magazine around. Because of the many, Christians and non Christians, who stepped up to ask me questions as I was distributing the magazines.
Thankful that I have friends - because of my dear girls, Lindeee and Dinkeee - they are the best!!! - and Hans and Chris and Peiyu and others, who didn't laugh at me but instead stopped to ask me how I was and to listen and hug me and let me cry to them. And thanks to Weixin and D and J and people online for their concern! =)
Disappointed. Just because. Disappointed cos there were some who didn't seem to bother. And this disappointment just cuts to the quick. Are you so self-centred? Or do you just not care? Is this problem so trivial to you then? Maybe I tend to place too high an expectation on my friends... it's not so much that I need attention during this tough period of my week - but it'd be good, just to know that people cared. That they had the heart to. As it is, some don't. And this makes me even sadder.
The fact that it's a habit doesn't make it better; in fact it makes it worse, much worse.
Sometimes I do think I expect alot from my friends.. I expect them to show care and love as readily as I do normally, especially to them. (I HOPE!) So is this wrong? Or like I've said before, I feel so unappreciated being your friend.. is it just ME who feels like that? Others certainly seem not to feel so, I guess. They have no reason to, since you show them loads more appreciation! Whereas I seem like just a playtoy there to be teased and made fun of, most of the time.. do you realise half the time you never treat me seriously? Do you know how much it HURTS? AND I bet you haven't even read my essay like I asked you to. And so right now.. I'm feeling frustrated too.
I'm sorry for being so frank. But it's just what I want to say.
What's there to do?
Thankful - that my family seems to be holding up pretty well, and that they aren't too stressed out or worried and aren't shouting at one another. I was so scared that they would start pointing fingers.. stress and worry tends to do that to people. Thankful too - for Hai-ena, for trying to cheer us up and wrinkling up his forehead in that extra sweet way.
I feel so tired. So numb, like all the joy and energy's been sucked out of me. I just want to sleep. And wake up, but maybe sometime in the past and not the future.
posted by Yellow Garfield at 10:27 PM
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